Monday, November 25, 2002

Hey Johnboy,

What do you think of those French Eskimoes up in Canada called
your mate George Bush a moron? Should someone go up there and
smack them?


Dear C,

Yeah, someone probably should, but then, what's the deal with Canada? They're like America, only... not. Like, they look American, they sound American, but they don't have any of the things that makes America cool, like nuclear weapons and George Bush.

So they probably just called him that 'cause they're jealous. Like how Kiwis are jealous of us 'cause we have Vegemite and the Big Pineapple and me.

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Dear Mr Howard,

Now that your clever coup inspired plan of separating the Lefties in the Democrats from their only true liberal minded leader Meg, and thereby com-pletely leaving them without a path to follow, has come to pass. How do you propose to get rid of the rest of this pesky group.

Mr Crikey

Dear Mr Crikey,

The Democrats? Who? They're sooooo five minutes ago! The Democrats were just some stupid fad. I reckon they'll probably just fight over who has the coolest shoes until they're all, like... fighted out and stuff.

Anyway, they're not my problem and it's not as if they're a real party, or anything.

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Monday, November 18, 2002

Dear Chairman God-Johnny,

I am wondering two things: When you were in the political wilderness (after Peacock shafted you), what books did you read and study to learn all the wise ways that help you be the bestest PM we have ever had. And also while you were out in the wilderness, did you make a Faustian pact at all? I just wonder because it could be said that you have the luck of the devil...whenever you need a crisis to unite the nation, one happens (September 11th last year and Bali bombing)...this could be mere coincidence, but did you make that drought happen too?

I am in awe and bewildered.



Dear Golly-gosh,

Every night before bed time, I read the same book: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr Suess. It's heaps cool. I like it 'cause every time there's a question in the book (like, "Why are they sad and glad and bad?"), Dr Suess never answers it ("I don't know, go ask your dad"). That's pretty smart, 'cause that Red Fish is clearly a Communist and there are lots of foreign-sounding things in there, as well, like the "Zans", who is probably taking much needed can-opening jobs from real people. I also reckon that "Yink" has a drug-habit, too, because it drinks a lot of ink, which is probably what the kids are into these days. I'll bet Mike who pushes the bike is in a union, too.

But the thing is, we'll never know, 'cause Dr Suess never tells us. He'd make a super-cool politician.

And no, I haven't made a pact with Satan, obviously, 'cause then I'd be evil, but I can't be evil, 'cause I'm a Liberal. Duh.

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Friday, November 15, 2002

Dear Loving Leader,

Now that the ACCC has allowed those warm hearted corporations Telstra, News and Sing – tel to join forces so that they can get on with the important and socially useful job of really gauging the square eyed members of the community who wish to pay for their small screen viewing - do you think it would be too much to ask for Sing tel’s overhead cables to come down?

It was after all PM Keating who gave the go ahead for our street trees to be hacked and our skies cluttered with those bratwurst like lengths.

Will you rescue our 1950s suburban dream?

Yours in civic concern,

Mr Namadji

Dear Mr Namadji,

Well, we could take the cables down... But don't you reckon that's exactly what the stupid hippy Greens want us to do?

It's like how when you walk past those dumb Wilderness Society Koalas, you don't really hate them that much (in fact, they're kinda cute how they're all floppy and they eat leaves and stuff), but you just have to punch them. Because you know it'll piss off a hippy, and because they're always trying to scam money off you, as if we're going to be all, "Oh, it's a koala, I better give it money, 'cause I run over them all the time and I feel kind of bad", but we're not! Like, do The Wilderness Society think just 'cause they can train giant koalas to hang around the city and beg for money that we aren't gonna punch them? Because we are, aren't we Mr Namadji? You know you love to punch koalas, don't you? We all do, it's what brings the conservatives of this country together.

And I mean, if they really cared about animals and stuff, would they send poor, floppy, giant kolas out into the streets where we're all going to punch them? No. They just do it 'cause they're hippies, and drinking all that soy-milk has ruined their brains.

So yeah, we could take down the cables, but then we'd have to stop punching giant Wilderness Society Koalas, and I think you and I both know that that would be a sad day for Australia.

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Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Dear Most Honourable Revered Untouchable Holy Worship of Omniscient Knowledge and Omnipotent Power,

Your humble servant meekly asks thee that you might care to answer, what is thy favourite Chinese food?

Be it Peking Duck or BBQ Pork? Dim-sims or Lobster? Cantonese or Suechuanese?

Your opinion is most desired, o Great One.


Dear Wen-Boy,

I don't eat Chinese food much, 'cause people who own Chinese restaurants are always foreigners for some reason.

But my local Fish 'n Chip Shop does have Dim Sims and I sometimes eat them, though Pauline Hanson always insisted that they weren't Chinese, so I dunno. What about Chiko Rolls, where are they from?

I also like Satay Chicken, which sounds foreign (well, not the chicken, but "satay" doesn't look familiar) but is grouse on a barbeque. At the Annual Liberal Party Barbeque (which happens about once a year) a few years ago, we played the best prank on Alex Downer: We told him we were giving him Satay Chicken, but it was really Satay Pork!! Ha! You should have seen his face, he got such a surprise!

Though he said it tasted pretty good.

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Dear Little Johnny,

I am sure that you are very glad that since the 80's the Labor parties from across the world have seen the light and started coping your enlightened ideas on human rights and ecconomics. What do you think of the new threat posed by the green parties who are stepping into the vaccum left?


Capt'n Crunch

p.s why are you called the liberals if you are conservative?

p.p.s i know someone who's in love with you? first name starts with G

Dear Capt'n,

The Greens don't pose much of a threat to anything, 'cause a) They're not even a real party, b) They're all anemic and stuff, 'cause they're hippies and they only eat Tofu and Granola, and c) They're stupid.

I wonder about the name a bit myself, but I'm pretty sure it was a pre-emptive thing, just so Labor couldn't have it. Like the other day, I knew Simon Crean wanted a Four 'n Twenty for lunch ('cause he always does), and there was only one left at the shop, so even though Janette had made me a couple of Vegimite and Lettuce Sandwiches, I bought the pie and then threw it at his car. So he stuck out his toungue at me and walked off. I'll bet it was to cry. He's such a cry baby.

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What's the deal with your eyebrows mate? Now don't get angry, but I think it would be in your best interests to hire a chainsaw from Kennards to give the caterpillars a bit of a trim?


Dear Karen,

I'm just as God made me. Well, I mean, when I was born I was smaller and naked and I couldn't talk and I wasn't the PM, but apart from that.

Janette, my stylist (she's also my wife), reckons they're sexy and I reckon they make up for the fact that I'm lacking a bit of hair up on top.

Plus, Sir Robert Menzies had pretty big eyebrows and he was cool. So is Agro, and he has big eyebrows (well, it's more like one monobrow) too.

So nya.

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Dear John,

Have you considered investing all the money you are spending on the military and refugee gulags on building a time machine instead? That way, you can travel back to the 1950s and escape all the terrible social ills of the modern world, instead of trying to take all of us back with you.

Concerned for your welfare, and ours

Dear Concerned,

That'd be heaps cool, but I asked Peter McGauran, and he doesn't reckon it'd work.

Once Phil Ruddock and I built a time machine, but it was really just covered Phil's car in tin foil and pipe cleaners. We wanted to go back to see Dinosaurs, but instead we ended up at a Liberal Party Convention.

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Monday, November 11, 2002


Steve Bracks is calling an election soon, so we hear. We know he's a family man, a nice looking gentleman to the ladies, who has done nothing for Victoria except open projects started by the previous government, and kiss arse with every greenie and yobbo around.

What are your suggestions to the Victorian Labor voters to get Liberal (even though it will be Jeff Kennett-less) into power? I'm liberal all the way to the moon, by the way.


Dear Cory,

Yes, Steve Bracks is a bit of a dickhead. But to be honest, so was Jeff Kennett. Kennett thought he was sooo much cooler than me, and I was all, "Dude, your only a Premier, that's pretty lame. Get over yourself."

But now, they've got Robert Doyle, who's ok. We haven't hung out that much, mainly 'cause he's from the Nintendo faction, and I'm from the Playstation faction. Like, we're all in the same party, but...Mario? Like a game about a tradesperson? A foreign tradesperson?

I do have a Gameboy, though, because I like to think of myself as accepting of all gaming cultures. Except for X-boxes. They're totally uncool.

So maybe it's time for Victorians to think long and hard about what their gaming preferance is, because I don't even think Bracks owns any sort of console. Or if he does, it's probably like an Atari, or something else old and crap.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

You are awesome! Well done on your work so far! Besides your Australian collegues, which international politician are you close with?


Dear Sandra,

I'm really good mates with George Bush. Like, he's my best mate, and I don't know if I'm his best mate but I told him I'd give him half of the lamingtons Janette packed me for lunch yesterday if I could be his best mate, but he didn't know what lamingtons were, so now I don't know if he likes me or not. He's also friends with Tony Blair, even though he's a der-face and he smells (Tony, not George). I don't know why, though, 'cause Tony never has lamingtons for lunch, he has like, salads and other stupid leftie foods.

I don't mind most of the other leaders (except the ones from foreign countries like the Middle East, I hate them), but if they don't speak English then they get kind of boring.

Probably what sucks the most is that none of the politicians from overseas ever want to trade footy cards with me. I've got a wicked collection, but none of them know how to play AFL. Maybe I'll start watching grid iron.

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Dear John,

With your narrow, 1950s, Leave It to Beaver view of the world, it strikes me as a tad strange that Janette seems to run the show down at Kirribilli. Ward Cleaver would never have let it happen. Who wears the pants in your family, John?


Dear Jamie,

Janette doesn't like to wear pants, she prefers skirts and dresses.

Of course I run my household! I mean, if I couldn't do that, how could I run a country? They're actually similar in many ways: I only let my friends in, I don't really like my neighbours, but I pretend I do 'cause they're pretty big and I don't want to make trouble, and I like to make cubby houses in the backyard. Oh wait, that last one's just at my house, though once John Anderson and I built a fort outside Parliament House, but then Eric Abetz came along, and he thought it was part of the Aboriginal Tent Embassy, and he started yelling at us to piss off, 'cause we were too close to Parliament House, but then he realised it was us, and we let him in and we played this game where we pretended we were in charge of a country, and I wanted to be the PM, but they didn't think I was right for it, so I had to be the Minster for forts and huts. I was pretty good at that.

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Mr Howard,

Has George Bush II given you a cool deputy sheriff badge so you're no longer jealous of Philip Ruddock's Amnesty badge. We also hear Kevin Andrew's has a 'Honk if You Love Jesus' badge to go along with the bumper-stick, is this all the rage? Also if you're deputy-sheriff do you get to say lots of kick-arse Chuck Norris lines, and karate kick the occasional reporter?


Dear Dunc,

No, I don't have a deputy sheriff badge, but that would be pretty cool. I have been thinking about topping Phil's Amnesty badge by finding an equally hipocritical one. I might get a "Free the Refugees" one or a "Friends of the ABC", but so far, no one will sell one to me. I don't know why, maybe they don't realise I'm the Prime Minister.

Chuck Norris is wicked cool. I want my own show called "Howard: Australian Prime Minister", and the theme song would be like:

In the eyes of a Liberal
The unsuspecting foreigner
Better know the truth of boats from queues
'Cause the eyes of a Liberal are upon you
Any queue you jump he's gonna see
Next time you're people smuggling look behind you
'Cause that's where a Liberal's gonna be

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Have you ever played Knock and Run?


Dear Sarah,

Sorry, I don't know that game. My favourite games are: cricket, Monopoly (some people reckon I look like the Monopoly man, but I don't see it), and Street Fighter on my Sega (you get to beat up Asians and stuff. My favourite character is Ken, he's from America).

Sometimes we also play rugby at Parliament House. Since Labor lost Kim Beazley, they always lose. The Greens never play against us, though, 'cause they're too busy playing hacky-sack or whatever, and they're probably anaemic anyway, 'cause they only eat tofu and stuff.

We kicked Labor's arse at rugby the other day, 'cause all the union presidents were standing on the side-lines telling them what to do. Crean denied it though, he reckoned it was 'cause their gender quotas meant they had to have too many girls on the side. That's crap, though, 'cause we've got Amanda Vanstone, and she's the best player on our team.

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Mr PM,

Did you have fun at the footy and standing next to the NZ PM chick?


Dear Lisa

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the Labor Party suck. Mind you, Helen Clark is cooler than Tony Blair or Simon Crean, in a lame sort of way.

But I reckon she can't speak New Zealand, 'cause I can, and I go to her, "Thus us choice fush und chups, eh bro?" And she didn't know what I was saying! I mean, she just speaks English, and she's not even the Prime Minister of England!

So I guess the Labor Party just suck world-wide.

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I heard Peter Andren talking to someone the other day and he said you were a big dumb-head. And you smell like poo. He made me promise not to tell you, too, otherwise he's going to give me a big noogie. Oops.

Anyway. Are you going to fight him?


Dear Innle,

I probably won't fight him because he smells like poo. And because I'm rubber, and he's glue, and everything he says bounces off me and sticks to... him.

And Janette says that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. And I don't even reckon that sticks and stones would break my bones. They'd probably just leave a nasty bruise.

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You're not really gonna sell Telstra to foreigners are you? The 'stra' in Telstra is from the word Australia. If Telstra goes to USA, will it become 'Telmerica', or something about how you get excited by telephone calls from george bush? Telerection?


Dear Cory,

I always thought the "stra" stood for "orchestra". But "Australia" make a lot more sense. What do you reckon the "Tel" stands for?

It's cool if we sell Telstra to foreigners, though, because we're a "multi-cultural" society. And Janette says that means that we have heaps of people from other countries here. Like Aboriginals. Though, of course we won't be selling Telstra to Aboriginals, 'cause they all live off hand-outs, so they couldn't afford it.

Most of our other "public" services are owned by foreigners (though none by Aboriginals), and it works fine. For instance, even though it's usually owned by foreign companies, most states have great public transport. Well, I mean, I never actually use public transport, but I see trains and buses and stuff all the time, and they always seem to be moving ok. Well, buses sometimes stop at traffic lights, but I think that's because they're supposed to. And they probably don't run at night, either.

So don't worry about it, Telstra has a bright future in the hands of people who aren't Aboriginals.

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I know you're big on the Bush man at the moment but he's not the one who's going to bestow knighthood on you, when that time comes. Have you thought about that, John? (Most Lib leaders get them, if you haven't noticed; though, curiously, Labor leaders don't. Discuss.)

And another thing you should think about: there's already a Sir John - that Kerr bloke, the CIA spy. And a Sir Winston, that fat pommie war fella. Where does that leave you, John? Sir what?


Dear Concerned,

First of all, why don't Labor leaders get knighted? Because they smell.

Fortunately, I don't smell, and I'm pretty close with Queen Liz. We're like that (I know you can't see me now, but I'm crossing my fingers). We get on great guns 'cause we both think Tony Blair is a loser. So I'm counting on a knighthood. It's only a matter of time.

And yeah, Kerr got in there first. But he never led a country, and let's be honest, Governor General is a pretty bludgy job. Plus he's dead, and I reckon that leaves 'Sir John' up for grabs. I'm totally calling shotgun on it.

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Dear John,

I reckon you're the coolest leader we've ever had. I just want to know, how do you get your eyebrows like that? Does Janette do them for you? I bet that's why George didn't invite you to Camp David - he's just jealous of how much more statesmanlike you look. If you want him to like you you have to stop showing him up all the time.

I was a bit upset to hear you'd donated some of your cardigans to the bludgers. I mean, it's good that you care, but they've got to take responsibility for their own style at some point, right? I hope you still have enough. I am, (and I'm sure many other patriots are) quite willing to knit you more if you want. It wouldn't be much effort at all. Colour?


Dear Calla,

I'm a sexy man, I know. It's true that George must be a little intimidated by this, but I think he handles it ok. He's a lot taller than me (most people are), and I reckon that helps ease it a bit.

I wish that I could rely on dole bludgers to take responsibility for their own style, but the fact is that they don't. Footy shorts, flannelette shirts, moccasins... I've seen what the people who go to Centrelink wear, and it's making this country ugly. I wouldn't be the rockin' PM that I am, if I didn't at least try to help beautify our nation.

So instead of knitting me cardigans (Janette's got that covered), go and knit one for the bogan down the street. And their twelve kids. Show them that you can get classier than K-Mart. And while you're there, you could mention to them that they might want to get off their lazy arse, get a job and stop sponging off their country and the generosity of others.

So go on, knit a cardy for a bludger. Do it for your country.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Hey John,

Mate, long time fan of yours. I always admired the courage it took to stand up to Beazley. He was so big.

Anyways, my idea is, do you reckon we could have a conscription bill signing up the democrats and labour and everyone else that you.. I mean we don't like? then we can send them off to war instead. I'm sure Simon Meany could scare them all away.

So with my radical cool ideas, can I join your party?


Dear Matt,

You ideas are radical cool! Though I'd advise you to join the National Party, just so you could take over from John Anderson, cause you sound way cooler than he is. Ando's such a square.

Now, while your idea is ace, there is a problem. I mean, can you imagine having a bigger pack of losers defending our country?

The Dem's would be too busy fighting with each other. It'd be all, "I'm leader!" "No I'm leader!" "Bitch. And that's my khaki jacket!" "No, it's my khaki jacket!" Etc.

And Labor? What a useless pack of whingers! They wouldn't be able to do anything unless we did it first. That, or they'd say they were going to do one thing, then completely reverse their stance when they actually had to do something.

But I like the way you think; Taking useless people and making them usefull. So I reckon we could set up something like Work for the Dole, only it'd be Fight for the Dole. We'd get all the dole bludgers and send them off to war, so they can destroy another country's economy, instead of ours.

And if their dole cheque's at stake, you can bet that they'll do the job properly. Plus, even if they die, it saves the Government money. It's win-win.

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The other day I bumped into someone in the street and I was in such a rush, I didn't remember to say "sorry"! What should I have done? Do you think it's OK to not say "sorry" now and again, like when you're reeealy busy 'n that?


Dear Joffaboy,

Was it an Aboriginal? Aboriginals have a thing with that word. They're always trying to get me to say it.

Now, it wasn't your fault that an Aboriginal got in your way. You were in a rush, they should've got out of the way. So really, it was the Aboriginal's fault that you got knocked and they should be the one apologising.

You were right not to apologise, because if you had, before you know it they'd be making a National "Sorry I Bumped Into You" Day, and Aboriginals might expect to be treated like equals. And then they'd probably take over the country. And then maybe the world.

So for the good of mankind, don't ever say "Sorry" to an Aboriginal.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

I'm really concerned about Australia's current policy of mandatory detention. I mean, there are people who are fleeing persecution in their own country, only to be put in jail in Australia. Shouldn't we be helping these people, rather than victimising them?

On top of that, the policy is in breech of the UN Declaration of Human Rights.

How long is this going to go on?

B Wallace

Dear B. Wallace,

What you need to understand, is that countries don't just suck because they have bad leaders, they suck because they have bad citizens.

Now, a cool country like Australia is cool because of people like you (unless you're not an Australian citizen, in which case: GO HOME!). Australians don't get on boats and try to illegally get into other countries. And, to a degree, that's cause you've got a cool PM (me) and cause Australia's a cool country. But it's also because Australians are cool. So you elect cool PM's like me, and make the country cool. And in turn that's what makes Australians cool: that they're cool. You understand so far? Of course you do, you're an Australian.

Now, when someone comes into Australia illegally, it means they've come from a country that's not cool. Otherwise they would've stayed there. But what they don't understand, is that their country's not cool, because they're not cool. If they were, they would've made the country cool. They'd have a cool PM and they probably wouldn't wear funny clothes like most of them do.

And that's also how we know that if one person from a country isn't cool, no person from that country is cool. Because if they were, the country would be cool, and then the original person would've be cool and there would be no reason to come here in the first place.

That's also why I'm the PM, and not Simon Crean. Because he's a total dropkick. If he were PM, you'd all be jumping into crappy boats because Australia would then be uncool. But if Australia was uncool, then you'd be uncool, too.

So if we let uncool people into Australia, then they'll make Australia uncool. And that will make Australians uncool. And then Simon Crean will become PM. And that's why Australia has a policy of mandatory detention.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

So you think you'll cop the youf vote with your blog? But are your blog workers union loyalists (or at least 40 per cent of them, er, should that be 60 per cent --- i'll have to ask the actu)? Tell the youf that, ay. Bring it on!

Yours in hopping mad opposition,

Simon Cream

Dear Simon,

Your thinly disguised name change doesn't fool me, I know who you really are... Simon Crean!

You're just jealous because you don't have your own blog. Australia's "youf" like me cause I'm wicked cool, and they think you're a loser cause you're just a big, whiney loser. And you're ugly.

And everyone knows the kids reckon I'm totally rad since I got them off their bums and into Work For the Dole. They're really happy now, I saw the ads about it on TV.

And no one who works for me better be a bloody union loyalist. Unions are full of whining hippies, just like the Labor Party. And the Greens. Thank God the Democrats are too busy fighting and bitching about each other to actually do anything.

So why don't you just shove-off back to your stupid party where you all smell so you can all just sit around and be smelly together?

And by the way, I know it was you who stole my Vegimite sandwich today. If you do it again, Amanda Vanstone said she'll kick your arse.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

Here in Japan I meet many people who think the Prime Minister of Australia is Pauline Hanson and that the White Australia Policy is still in force. I tell them that Ms. Hanson and yourself are two different people and Australia is being led my a fearless and courageous man. But can you kindly advise me what I should say or how to counter this misinformation?


PS: When are you next visiting the Land of the Falling Yen?

Dear Paul,

Ciao! (That's Japanese for G'day.)

Obviously there are many differences between Pauline and me, for instance she has red hair, whereas I have no hair. But I reckon people get a bit muddled up cause we've basically taken on many of the One Nation Party's policies.

The difference, though, is that they hate everyone who isn't white, whereas we only hate most people who aren't white. For instance, we like the Chinese. A lot. We also like you Japanese, provided you don't try to invade us again. Cause that wasn't very cool. I can't say I have too many issues with Inuits either, as long as they stay out of our way. But apart from that, we're not big fans of people who aren't like us.

One of the biggest mistake people make about Pauline is that she's racist. She's not, she hates everybody. Expecially me. I went to her shop once, and I asked for chicken salt on my chips, but she didn't put any on! I know this may not seem that bad to you, but seriously, in Australia, most people consider that worse than robbing a bank. My Chiko Roll wasn't cooked properly either.

And that's why I don't like being mistaken for Pauline: because I don't believe in ripping people off when it comes to chicken salt. I fact, when I go to the Fish 'n Chip shop, I expect them to at least chuck in a few free dim sims, too.

So I suggest you make a t-shirt that says something like: "John Howard supports Chicken Salt!" On it. I personally have a cardigan with, "Deep Fry My Scallops!" Knitted into it. Things like this catch people's eye, and in no time, I reckon you'll find that word has spread around Asia that not only am I the leader of this country, but also that when I ask for a Fisherman's Lunchtime Snack-Pack, I expect it to come properly cooked, and well coated with chicken salt.

As for going to Japan, I'm not sure when I'll get over there next, but do you guys want to buy some gas?

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Hi there PM,

After a long week in Parliament not so long ago, I went out to the 'Holy Grail' to let my hair down. Soon after I arrived I saw Joe Hockey showing off his moves on the dance floor and I can tell you, he ain't no John Travolta. He also took off his tie and let his wild chest hair emerge from his half-unbuttoned shirt. It was sick!

Do you think you could mention it to him in Cabinet and make sure he doesn't do it again?

Thanks a million,


Dear Sarah,

Believe me, we've been trying to get Joe to stop his dancing for years.

Last Christmas, I had all the Cabinet (except for Larry Anthony, cause he's a total loser) round to the lodge for a bit of a bash, and it was going great guns, till John Anderson spiked the punch. We all realised what'd happened, and just stuck to the sparkling grape juice and fanta, but Joe didn't and he drank waaay too much, and started trying to break dance.

Now, this wouldn't have been that bad, but I was doing my robot dancing, and he totally stole my thunder. But it got worse. When we tried to do the Hokey-Pokey, he Moonwalked through the middle of us, and cause we were all putting our left legs in and shaking them all about, we all fell over. Rob Hill grazed his knee really badly.

Then, when Dave Kemp and Pete McGauran were doing the Locomotion, Joe started doing the Timewarp. Dave and Pete were swinging their hips and jumping up high, when Joe took a jump to the left, a step to the right and it all ended in tears.

Now we just shove a plate of fairy bread in front of him and it normally keeps him occupied. However, there was one incident earlier this year when Joe skulled two litres of Coke and Amanda Vanstone had to spear-tackle him to stop him doing the Macarena in the middle of a National Press Club Luncheon.

So I'm not sure what more I can do about it. Maybe I can pass some legislation that stops him from trying to cut a rug in public, but I'm not sure if it'd get through the Senate.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Where's my car?


Dear c@,

I don't know where your car is. I was never told about this car. I'm not even sure I know what a car is.

Ask Peter Reith. He probably knows. In fact, he probably stole your car. In fact, there are pictures proving that he did steal your car, while sewing his lips up and throwing small, foreign children out of the car window.

Actaully, scrap that last bit. If there are pictures, I've never seen them and I don't know anything about them.

But Peter Reith might.

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Why are you so mean to native australians?


Dear Pete,

The thing about Aboriginals, is that they want to take over the country. I mean, that's what native title is all about: Aboriginals stealing all our land.

They've got to understand that they can't just come in here and take land that doesn't belong to them.

I'm not being mean, just acting in the best interests of Australia. Imagine if they ran this country: We'd all have to wear loin clothes or run around naked, Ernie Dingo would host every single TV show, and we'd have to eat kangaroos.

So the question really shouldn't be 'Why am I being so mean to them?', but rather 'Why aren't you?'

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I know that we are the lucky country - stable system of government, constitution that has stood for a serious period of time, the rule of law, good standard of living, weather good except in places like Canberra, no border disputes and all of that. The only problem is, our neighbours seem to let us down. What can we do to make countries like Solomon Islands, Nauru, New Zealand, Fiji, PNG etc shape up? Do you have a plan? I know we are all focused on the USA and the UK and the UN and the Middle East and Saddam and Condi Rice etc at the moment, but we can't neglect our own back yard.



Dear HipHopGirl,

Excellent question. You're right, our Neighbours are letting us down. I've had a think about it and I think I've got a good plan:

Australia has so many great cool things about it, that we can probably rent out a few to some of our Neighbours to make them a bit cooler. Obviously we've already started to beautify some of our neighbouring countries with detention centres, but others could do with a bit more sprucing up. For instance, I think we could spare the Big Pineapple for a while and rent it to Fiji. It's a pretty classy building, and I reckon it'd go great guns with the current decor of the place. I'm pretty sure they have fruit over there, anyway.

New Zealand has lots of mountains and stuff, so Ayers Rock would probably fit in well there. Though the Aboriginals might get a little pissed if they have it for too long.

And if any other country will take it, I'd be pretty happy to give away the entire city of Hobart, too.

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Why don't we get any bloody money? I go to one of the top selective schools in Sydney, and although we're all old and have tradition as well as smart people, we have no money. Instead, you give it to bloody private schools where all they do is screw sheep and molest each other.


Little Miss Curious

Dear Little Miss Curious,

When I went to Canterbury Boys' High, I often used to wonder the same thing. So when I became PM, I thought, "Well, I better give them some money!" But then I thought, "Hang about. If I didn't get to go to a well-funded public school, why should anyone else?"

So it's a matter of equality. Australia's all about equality. If one person misses out, everyone else should, too.

Do they really screw sheep and molest each other at private schools? Are you sure you're not getting confused with the Catholic Church?

I suppose If you really want more money, you could always hassle Bob Carr, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

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Dear Mr Howard, Sir,

I did like you said, and stayed home to bring up the kiddies. The trouble is, their father smokes pot hardcore, and can just about manage to pay for an ounce a week out of his wage, but it doesn't leave much for the housekeeping jar, you know?

So I went and got me one of those beaut pensions. Now, I know I shouldn't have, not really, cus now I can't have any friends (we live in state housing) and even my mum says she's gunna dob me in.

I did everything like I was sposed to. But I think you spend too much time having sleepovers with all those foreign bigwigs, and you've forgotten about the little aussie battler. And Mrs Little Aussie Battler. And the little little battlers.

Yours sincerely,


Dear Sharmain,

Oh, you dole-bludgers are all the same: "Give me more money!" "My husband's a pot-head!" "My Mum's gonna dob me in!" "Yours Sincerely!".

If your husband's smoking pot, he's proabably a member of the Greens party. That would also explain why you have no money. That bloody hippy party is always detroying families. They don't even realise the destruction that they cause. Probably 'cause they're too stoned.

There are some pretty easy ways to tell if your husband is indeed a member of the Greens: 1) Does he like to say things in rhyming slogans (eg - "1,2,3,4, thanks for dinner, can I have some more?")? 2) Does he prefer to play hacky-sack over AFL? 3) Does he constantly write me letters (on recycled paper) about the enivronment and stuff, that I throw away or burn?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then your husband probably is a Green. In that case, you should try and encourage him to find a real party, like oh, the Liberal Party, for example. But if he still wants to stay a hippy Green, then the only thing you can do is to leave him, move on with your life, and stop sponging off taxpayers. After all, it's not their fault that your husband's a lefty beatnik.

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Just thought of a way of filling the Liberal Party coffers, that Malcolm Turnbill hadn't thought of, now that he's the family man and all.
We've had the Australian women's soccer team, the rugby league and nearly every other under-recognised sport do an erotic calendar, so what about a 'Liberal party calendar' to raise money to ensure the world is Liberal until at least the next Haley's comet.

You've already got this aesthetic talent in abandunce on the front-benches, I have difficulty preventing my girlfriend from reaching for the vibrator whenever Question Time hits the TV.

You could have the cover of course to maximise sales, and then you could include Darryl Williams, Eric Abetz, the Kemp brothers, Tony Abbott, a cameo from Peter Reith, Larry Anthony, Warren Truss, Joe Hockey, Bill Heffernan, the member for Dobell - Baldwin (now there's a chick-magnet - women love a man whose round enough takes up two seats), Mal Brough and I'll let you come up with the one for December.

And of course us fellows wouldn't mind a sexy lingerie calendar with Trish Worth, Amanda Vanstone, Bronwyn Bishop, Rosemary Crowley - and all those women that Jannette won't allow to get close to - although a bit of a hidden pash in parliamentary dunnies and she'll be none the wiser.

You may even have one for those sexually confused. Alexander Downer seems to have a bit too much of fetish for the stockings - maybe you could market him as a gay icon, just don't let Bill Heffernan know or he'll clobber you.

Don't see why you need all those legal XXXXXXXX videos in ACT, when you've already got so much titilation in the chambers. We in other states and territories are crying out for such instant stimulation.

- Dunc

Dear Dunc,

Actually, that's a really good idea, there are some sexy men in the Liberal Party (uh, not that I think they're sexy, but y'know, that's what I hear), not least of all myself, but there's one problem: we've had this whole "conservative" thing going on for a while now, and I'm not sure that a raunchy calendar really fits in with that image.

But you might be on to something with the calendar idea. Maybe we could do something like those magnetic poetry ones (where you have all those different words on magnets and you chuck them together to make different poems), except it'd be magnetic policies, and there could be words like "Asylum-seekers", "Terrorists", "Kill", "Harrass", "Jail", "Muslims", "Aboriginals", "Privatise", etc. And people could put them together to make their own conservative policies in the privacvy of their own homes. Most of our policies are made in a similar way to that, anyway.

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Can I call you "Little Johnny Howard"?

- Daniel

Dear Daniel,

No you can't. I'm sick of people picking on me for my height. There are plenty of other people you can pick on in this country: Foreigners, Muslims, The Poor, Union Loyalists, Aboriginals, Members of the Labor Party... it's one of the few benefits of living in a multi-cultural socitey.

Plus, there have been heaps of cool vertically challenged people, like Napoleon. He was this like Swedish guy, or something, and I don't know what happened to him in the end, but he was in an Abba song. That's pretty wicked.

So instead of picking on me for my height, go out and find a foreigner or something, and pick on them.

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