Sunday, January 23, 2005


Our names are Alexis and Sarah. We are 5th Grade girls and we have a few questions for you:

  1. Why do bad things happen when you're in charge?
  2. Are you a good wizard or a bad wizard?
  3. Are you / will you ever be ruler of the world?
  4. What is your favourite song?
  5. Which do you prefer: Telletubbies or Sesame Street?
  6. What is your ALL-TIME favourite game to play at lunchtime?
  7. Do you like popcorn?
  8. Can I be your secretary? Please? (Mummy said I could be PM one day!)

Bye bye! We love you Little Johnny Howard!

Love Alexis and Sarah

Alexis and Sarah,

Always rad to hear from some of my younger fans. Have you girls heard of the Young Libs? All you'd need is a twin-set and pearls to join, and it's heaps of fun. All the coolest kids are in the Young Libs.

Anyway, to answer your questions:

  1. Yeah, some bad things have happened while I've been PM, but the important thing was that I didn't know about any of them. Seriously, people never tell me, so it's never my fault.

  2. You're both probably too young to remember, but there was this awesome film in the late 80s called "The Wizard" and it had Fred Savage in it and his little brother is fully sick at Nintendo and so he was the Wizard and they were chased by baddies but the baddies lost in the end. I am fully sick at Nintendo and I'm a good guy, so I am a good wizard. I love the power glove... it's so bad.

  3. No, I will never be the ruler of the world 'cause George Bush is already the ruler of the world. I'm happy just being the ruler of Australia and being best friends 4eva with the ruler of the world.

  4. "God Save the Queen". Catchy and relevant.

  5. Sesame Street, 'cause one of the Teletubbies is a gay homosexual and that is wrong because he may want to get married and that would be bad. Sesame Street is great, though it'd be better without all the foreigners.

  6. My all-time favourite game to play at lunch time is definitely kanga cricket. Hitting that big flag-pole on Parliament House is six and out.

  7. Yes. Yes I do.

  8. Well, I guess a secretary is an acceptable career for a chick, but really, you should both be focusing more on finding a good husband and settling down to have kids and run a household. That brings me back to what I was saying before about the Young Libs - it's a great place to meet heaps of really nice, well-dressed young men with traditional family values.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Friday, October 01, 2004

Dear "Honest" John,

Who'd you rather? Kylie or Danii?


Alan G


You know, everyone loooves Kylie so much, and sure, I've done the Locomotion at heaps of Liberal Party functions, and I cried during Scott and Charlene's wedding, but Dannii was the original Minogue, and she'll always have a special place in my heart. The way she'd light up the YTT stage with Vince Del Tito and a sequine-studded leotard... totally rad.

Also, I've never really forgiven Kylie for that duet with Nick Cave. He's lame. He goes for that "living dead" look, but he's got nothing on Phil Ruddock. Nothing.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Dear Johnny aka "Twinkle Toes" Howard,
In order to win your next election campaign what exciting and outrageous lies can we look forward to?
I'm sure your memory holes remember something about a GST promise. Which was fantastic, I know it got my vote. What really got me hooked, however, was the cunning and brilliant plan of actually installing the GST anyway. I mean sure, why not... it makes sense...
I would be uber delighted if you could spin more proverbial than Oprah's toilet bowl and promise us free education. Think about how cool it'll be when the hippies line up to get their handouts and your secret service bondage masters are standing there with tazers ready to take 'em down... everyone loves a crying naked hippie, right?
Anyway, back on track, what colour undies do you wear on election day? How about Janette?
All my love,
Phil the Kiwi O'Keefe

Ha! Free education! That's a good one. I'll remember that one for the next cabinet meeting, it should give everyone a good laugh. Last week, Alex Downer told a classic about something called "human rights". I swear, we were all rolling around on the floor with laughter. Absolute pisser.
At the moment, I reckon I'm mainly gonna focus my lying on Mark Latham. Mark eats babies, Mark posed nude for Playboy, Mark really killed Harold Holt, Mark smells... that sort of thing. I'm not even sure I'd really be lying, either, 'cause all that stuff sounds like it could be true. Mark is a total nasty pastie.
And for the record, I normally wear my good luck Ninja Turtles undies on election day, and I sing this song to get the other MPs pumped up:
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Let's keep up morale
Liberal power!
We're the world's most traditionalist political team (We're really hip!)
We're heroes in shirts and ties and we hate the Greens (Bob Brown's a total drip!)
When the evil Latham attacks
Us Liberal boys don't cut him no slack!
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Menzies taught us how to love the Queen (She's an awesome old bat!)
John Howard leads, stealing policies from Pauline (But doesn't cop the flack!)
Downer isn't a tool but he's rude (The things that batter!)
Costello is a party dude (Liberal Party!)
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Let's keep up morale
Liberal power!


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Dear John

Have you ever supected that David and Alan were more than just "friends"?



Yeah, I wondered that, too. So I asked someone, and apparently they're both involved in broadcasting, too!

Another mystery solved.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Dear Johnny,

Does Janette let you watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"? If the Fab Five were lucky enough to visit you, what tips do think you would share?


A Closet Metrosexual

Dear Closet Metrosexual,

Queer Eye is SUCH a great show. I don't know why they call them "queer", though. I don't reckon they're odd at all. They wouldn't have to give me any advice, though, 'cause I'm already totally hip and stuff. I guess I must be queer, too.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Hi John,

As an American, is there anything you can do to help me make sure that Bush, your best friend and My Hero, gets to stay in power? For instance, would the code of Bartertown be useful in the American Electoral system? Please help!


- A Concerned American

Dear Concerned American,

I'm not sure Mel Gibson films are the best place to get advice from. Like, did you see that Man Without a Face one? It was all about how you shouldn't be mean to people who are different from you. As if. Follow that advice, and you can kiss the next election goodbye. He was also in this film called "Hamlet", but it wasn't in English, or something. Though there were swords, and that was cool.

Anyway, what's interesting and cool is that both George and I have elections this year, and I reckon what would give us both an edge is another war. Nothing drives voters over to the right like totally demolishing a country full of foreigners. 'Cause they see all these building blowing up on TV and stuff, and they're like, "Woah, that's totally cool! Whoever did that must be cool, too!" Even if we don't really have a reason to bomb another country, or if we lie and then people call us on it and then we go, "Oh yeah, turns out we lied", people will still think we're total bad-arse dudes for killing foreigners. It's actually kind of like "Hamlet" - We stand there saying all this stuff and no one understands a word of it, but our swords look cool, so everyone's like, "Wicked! You rock!" And then they want to see us using our swords, 'cause they kind of want us to shut up, but also 'cause the voting public think swords are cool.

The only thing is that I'm not going to hold a skull like in that film. That's totally icky.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

A lot of media attention and publicity in America is given to Indian casinos, and how the Indians are ripping off normal Americans. I was wondering what you thought about this, and whether you think it would be a good idea to maybe offer Aborigines casinos here to keep them off your back?

Best wishes,



No. See, casinos add class and sophistication to Australian cities. Aborigines know nothing about decor and atmosphere. If they were running a casino, they'd probably stick it in a tent and do those dot painting things everywhere. And have you heard their music?! What's the deal with that? It's almost like it's in another language, or something. So they'd take what is a great institution in this country and make it lame. Aborigines just don't know how to make things interesting. Like that big rock up north. Where's the flashing lights? Corporate sponsors? What about incorporating a water feature? It's just this big, dull, brown lump. Lame.

Plus, running a casino would be a job, and Aborigines don't have jobs. It's not in their genes, or something.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

Sorry to whinge mate (excuse this dangerous, asylum seeker speaking your native tongue), but it's been over two years on this Island hell hole and I'm still going to get shot by the Taliban if I return to Afghanistan. Not much of a solution in my opinion. Any chance of getting off Nauru before my kidneys completely cave in, because of the water you serve up here?

Australian mate here said I'm going to get accused of being a terrorist again before the next election, and tried to describe the concept of 'pawn'. Could you enlarge?

- A


God, you terrorists are so ungrateful. You get a whole island to yourselves where you can sew your lips together and throw your kids into the ocean to your heart's content, and now apparently you get internet access too, and you want to leave? Do you realise there are real Little Aussie Battlers™ in this country who have to live in the country and run farms and stuff, sometimes only getting one A Current Affair special about them a year? Not only that, sometimes their phone service is so bad that they can't even ring up talkback radio to complain!

And you have the nerve to complain about living on an island paradise where you don't have to work or pay for anything? Some people would give their left arm to have things as sweet as you lot.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear Mister Minister,

You're the bees knees, Mister Minister. If I weren't American, I would want to be Australian so I could vote for you. I wish Australia would leave the Commonwealth and join America. We could be the United States of Austrerica. Then I could vote for you and George. Canada could join too but first they have to get rid of those stupid French buggers (useless bunch of gabblers if ever I saw one).

Anyhow, I wanted to know why you have so many political parties in your country. We only have two that ever win anything. It's super-easy that way. I always vote for the Republicans because they're Right. I never vote for the Democrats because they're Dumb (Get it? It's a play on words or something). You have Democrats and the Labor Party and the Liberals and Progressives and the National Party and the Greens (We have Greens too but they're only for pretend. They're really Democrats. And the Democrats are for pretend too because they're really pinko Communists).

Wouldn't it be more democratic to get rid of some of those parties? Especially the communist ones?

Your biggest American fan,

Justin R.


Actually, there's only two real parties in Australia, too, and only one that's cool.

The Greens are just stupid communist hippies who smell and are lame. They're led by a smelly, lame communist hippy called Bob Brown. Bob is from Tasmania, which probably doesn't mean much to you, but if you were an Aussie, you'd know that it means there's something wrong with him. When we play cricket at lunch time at Parliament, the Greens go off and smoke dope behind the bike sheds. Well, that's what a bit of graffiti in the toilets says, so it must be true. Fortunately, there's only three of them in Parliament, and only one of those is in the same room as me, which is, uh... that one with the green chairs.

The Democrats are also stupid and they all hate each other. Which I guess is understandable, 'cause I hate them all, too. They used to be led by a chick (like I said, they're stupid), and everyone thought she was so cool 'cause she wore Doc Martins and went on this lame show called the Panel which is on past my bedtime, and all that stuff. But then the Democrats realised that Doc Martins were totally early 90s, and told her to piss off. So they got this lame goth called Andrew Barlett, but then he went crazy and nicked our wine. He's still the leader, I think, but 'cause everyone hates him, he isn't round much. I guess he just sits in his bedroom writing angsty poetry and listening to the Sisters of Mercy, or whatever goths do.

We pretend the National Party are a real party, but really we just tell them that 'cause they help us win elections. See, 'cause some voters are stupid, we don't always get enough seats in Parliament to become the government like we're supposed to be. So we tell the National Party that we reckon they're rad, and that if they hook up with us in a coalition, they'll get to be one of the cool kids and they'll get a say in what we do and stuff. Of course, we're lying, 'cause people from the country are never cool, but they always fall for it. Come to think of it, that's kind of like what George Bush said to me about joining the Coalition of the Willing?, except it's different, 'cause he really does think I'm cool.

So really, that just leaves you with the Libs and the ALP. And seeing as there's a bit of graffiti in the toilets that says the ALP are spaz-wads (and I know it's true, 'cause I wrote it), then it just leaves the Liberal Party as the only cool party in Australian politics.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Dear Mr Man of Steel, sir,

I hope you'll forgive me for being so familiar using the nickname given to you by your best friend.

I have a serious question that has been worrying me and probably maybe you too.

First we lost the World Cup to England, then we lost the unloseable test match to the Indians.

Before we get beaten again, do you think that these countries and lots of other countries that might beat us should be chucked out of the Commonwealth like that Mugabe bloke that you really got stuck into?

If they won't leave will you friend Mr. Dubbya send in his soldiers and capture their tems and send them to Guantamano Bay.

Thank you and I hope you have a beaut Chrissie, but make sure that fat bloke in the red suit doesn't even get a sniff of Melville Island air. It'd just encourage those Santa smuggler bastards!

Yours sincerely
Brian Baillieu-Featherstonhaugh. Aged 10 3/4
(Vice president of Boys Scouts for the Liberals)


Yeah, you're totally right. If the Commonwealth Games has taught me anything, it's that the Commonwealth is all about us competing against countires that we've already beaten in the Olympics so we look good. When that doesn't happen, I look like a bit of a dill (especially since I spend so much time at every CHOGM teasing the other leaders about how crap they are at sport). I've come up with a list of countries that should get to remain in the Commonwealth 'cause they will never, ever beat us at anything: Cyprus, Dominica, Grenada, Saint Kitts & Nevis, and Seychelles. If that was the Commonwealth, we'd be unbeatable.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

I live in New Zealand, but I wish I was an Australian like you. You are so cool, and your country is definitely cooler than ours. I mean, we have a woman Prime Minister and everything, and she's a bit of a leftie to boot. Plus our abos, who call themselves maoris, have far too much of a say and reckon they should be given everything. And your cricket team is heaps better than ours too. Isn't there something you can do to help, like invade us or something and make us part of Australia? Maybe you could get your friend George to help.



Hmm, Australia is heaps radder than New Zealand, so I'm not sure why we'd really want your country. You're not really selling me on it. In Iraq there was oil at stake... or WMD... or liberating people... ok, I can't remember what we're supposed to be saying was the reason these days, but it was a good one. See the thing about NZ is that any time you guys have or do anything good, we just claim it as ours. Other countries can't tell the difference between us, so they're none the wiser. Like how we took Russell Crowe. Though now it turns out he's crazy and his band sucks, so would you mind taking him back? Also, I've got my eye on that whole "Lord of the Rings" thing. Seems to be working pretty good for you guys, so we may come over and take all the locations over here.

I suppose we could use your country as a place to stick asylum seekers, but it's not really dodgy enough. We prefer remote islands with inadequate facilites that no one cares about. You understand, right?

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Due to the popularity of Pop Idol, have you considered running the next Election as 'Poll Idol'? You, Mark, Bob and whoever the Democrats have as their leader that week could sing and dance for the opportunity to run the country for the next 4 years. You'd totally win, the Democrats will probably do a 'Cosimer' and pull out at the last minute coz they have a sore throat or something.




What a wicked idea! I reckon I'd sing "George Bush City Limits", Mark could do "Achy-Breaky Arm", Bob could do "It's Not Easy Being Green". And yeah, who gives what the Democrats do? If Bartlett's still around, he'd probably do something by the Cure because he's a lame goth. Maybe "Friday I'm Inebriated". But he'd probably be kicked out for breaking into Marcia's valium supply.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Hi John, can I call you John?

I have a problem - I am trying to raise my four year old to be kind, compassionate and humble. Recently I witnessed something alarming at her pre-school. All the other children were trying to suck up to her by bringing in little boxes of Fruit Loops and fun packs of Smarties and she was playing them all off on one another, telling one that she could only be friends with him if it was Wednesday, and then saying to him: "Is it Wednesday? No. So come back on Wednesday." Another girl approached her with a bag of jelly beans and my daughter said, "I told you jelly BABIES".

Do you think it's right that everyone in the class sucks up to just one person?

Best regards,
Nikki Website's mum

Nikki Website's mum,

Janette reckons you shouldn't tell other people how to raise their kids, but I've gotta say: are you trying to ruin your kid's life? Why would you want your kid to be kind, compassionate and humble? So she can end up being a stupid communist leftie Green? Why would you want to do that to not only your kid, but more importantly, to your country? 'Cause we don't need any more of those kids of people here. Even the ALP don't let in kind, compassionate, and humble people. Well, they probably do, but then beat them up.

Fotunately, your kid sounds like a she's got things sussed out pretty good. She's mean, up herself, and manipulative, and that's exactly why she's cool and popular. If you encourage her to keep it up, she could be Prime Minister of this country one day. Well no, probably not, 'cause she's a chick, but she could marry a Prime Minister one day. In the mean time, tell her from me not to stop at jelly babies. If she works hard, she could be looking at sour gummi worms and wizz fizz. That's when you know you've made it.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Dear Johnny,

I was wondering what you will be dressing up as for Halloween tomorrow?



You know, in the past, every year I used to go as Robert Menzies. It wasn't a hard costume -- just a wig and a pillow up my shirt and I was set. But this year, I decided to dress up as someone different. Someone as cool as Robert Menzies... if not cooler! Yeah, that's right, this year I'm dressing up as George Bush! It's gonna be wicked, I've got a grey wig and everything!

Of course, the lame part is that I'm going to be in Canberra for Halloween. Canberra isn't scary at all. But at least it'll give me the chance to throw eggs and toilet paper at Simon Crean. Well, ok, I do that all the time, but this time I also get free lollies!

Plus, the cabinet always has a costume competition, though Phillip Ruddock always wins. No one's ever quite sure what he's supposed to be, but man he looks scary. Eric Abetz has a new costume, too. Normally he comes as Hitler, but this year he's gonna come as Bob Brown. And I think it's time that Amanda Vanstone stopped coming as Kim Beazley, though the similarity is uncanny...

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Sunday, October 26, 2003


The reason I’m writing is to ask a question about George. As you know, America’s presidential elections are held next year. If George doesn’t get elected for a second term, will you offer him a chance to work in the government here? You could have him go everywhere with you, and give him a job title like “The PM’s Super-Cool Advisor and Best Friend”.

What do you think?

Greg B


Well, George is like the most popular man in the world, so as IF he won't get re-elected.

But, if we lived in some bizzare-o world where he didn't get re-elected, I guess I'd have to give him my job. I mean, I'm an awesome PM, but George is even more awesome-er than me. Then we could be just like America! Imagine it: A Starbucks on every corner, American TV shows all day, kids wearing US Baseball caps, rap music... It'd be such a different place!

But it's crazy talk, anyway, 'cause George is going to be President of the World for EVER!

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Dear Johnny,

What do you and Janette reckon about the new Salads Plus menu at McDonalds?



Personally, I've always been a Happy Meal Man. The toys in those things rule. But you know what sucks about McDonalds? The pickles in their burgers. Once I was going to try to pass legislation to make pickles in burgers illegal, but John Anderson didn't reckon the National Party voters would go for it. Losers.

But anyway, the new Salads Plus menu looks to me like they're trying to suck up to hippies. They even put a hippie on the ad. I reckon that McDonalds is a celebration of all things American, and hippies are always protesting about America, so they'll ruin the place. They should go and eat their lentils and tofu somewhere else. Like Cuba.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Who made you get rid of that attractive comb-over you had for so many years? The T formed by your hair going straight across and your Menzies style eyebrows shooting straight up reminded me to be ever vigilant of all those Traitors in our midst you've fought so hard against. People like abo's, single mums, lefties and poofters. Commies who think Telstra should be of benefit to the whole community not just your mates in the big end of town. Hysterical anti-Americans who think blasting the crap out of Afghanis and Iraqis is somehow morally wrong.

Keep sticking it up em John, and er, George of course.




Well, you know, I wouldn't have a comb-over if I had a bit more hair. Of course, I'm totally hot, so it doesn't matter, but still, it's more because I have to have it. But like, Sean Connery is bald, and I reckon he's totally hot. In a non-sexual way, of course. And I look heaps like him, too. Check it:

It's uncanny.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Friday, August 22, 2003

Dear Prime Minister,

Why don't you have a really cool action figure like George W. Bush?

You are the coolest! And i think you deserve one after all the cool things you have done.



Word up. I reckon I totally deserve an action figure, too. It'd have to have lots of cool stuff, though. Like accessories and karate-chop action.

Actually, 'cause this is such a good idea, Chris, I got some those people who work for me to make up an action figure of me so they were actually doing something usefull for once, instead of all that stupid political stuff they normally do. This is what they came up with:

I think they got pretty close, though Janette doesn't usually let me play with axes.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Dear John,

Why do we in Australia have only six States, while the United States of America get to have 50?

If we had a free trade agreement, would we be able to give them some of ours States (maybe more of South Australia) and they could share a couple of theirs with us?

Just curious,



The reason we only have six states is 'cause there's that star on our flag that has seven points - six for each state and one for the territories ('cause they're greedy and we give them more money, so they have to share a point). So if we add more states, we have to add more points. And imagine is we had fifty states? A star with fifty points would just look silly.

But you're right, maybe we could swap a state with the US. Then we wouldn't have to change the flag at all. Like Tasmania is wet and boring, so we could probably swap that for Louisiana. Obviously we could swap Queensland with Nevada, 'cause they're both just a whole lot of nothing with a bunch of tourist attractions and lights plonked in the middle. I don't really care what we'd get for Western Australia, 'cause it's so far away, I never go there, anyway. I bet Victoria wishes they're worth New York, but I reckon they'd be lucky to pull off Illinois or Washington. I'd take whatever I could get for South Australia, probably Maine or something. There's no way I'd swap New South Wales, but I reckon we could swing California.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Dear John,

You've been PM for a long time now, and done such a wonderful job, don't you think it's time you changed your title from 'Prime Minister', to 'Optimus Prime Minister'?



What a wicked idea! Imagine the theme song I could have:

John Howard,
PM in disguise
Liberals wage their battle to
Destroy the evil forces of the ALP

I actually asked if I could get a car that transformed into a robot. They said I couldn't. How much does that suck? I'm the bloody Prime Minister, and I can't even get a transforming car. Whatever. If I was Optimus Prime, then Simon Crean would probably want to be Megatron, and then he'd spoil all the fun.

It's a hard job sometimes.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

I know that you are a fan of St George, and that all football players are heterosexual, but is it wrong for gay men to ogle them when they strut around in the clothes they wear. Just as girls that wear short skirts deserve to be raped, don't you think the same goes for Trent Barrett and friends in those see-through shorts?

If they didn¹t want me to have sexual desires about their bums then why would they wrap them in flimsy nylon, put sponsers logos on them to make me look at where the gap between the thigh and glutes meet, pull at each others shorts so that I can see the speedos they wear underneath, and put their heads between each others bums when they pack down for a scrum?

When a footy player scores a try, his mates usually pat him on the bum as a sign of congratulation. Don't you think Peter Costello deserves a pat on the bum after some of his question time performances? There's nothing funny about it, its what Aussie men do, its called mateship.

Fellow Footy Fan

Footy Fan,

No, this kind of homosexual activity is very bad. Homosexuals are evil people who try to destroy children's lives by raising them in families with same-sex parents. Homosexuals are un-Australian.

Sports People, however, are very Australian. Well, except for Cathy Freeman, who's an Aboriginie. If you start leering at a Sports Person's groin, the next minute you may be their "life partner", and you too may be destroying the life of a child by raising it in such an un-Australian environment.

As I'm sure you know, Sports People are better people than regular Australians. Being good at sport is what seperates us from the Poms and makes us more like Americans. 'Cause of this, Sports People are allowed to take drugs and get arrested and have affairs, and stuff like that. All that's ok, 'cause it isn't really un-Australian, just stuff that only priveledged people, like Sports People and Politicians, can get away with. However, destroying the lives of innocent children is not cool. Please don't corrupt Sports People with your evil, un-Australian ways.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

I have been very impressed with your plan to create a 'fairer Medicare system' by making more people pay to go to the doctor - except those poor people in remote areas who should be treated like charity cases.

Now the budget shows you are going to create a 'fairer education system' by making more people pay to go to university - except for those poor people at remote universities who should be treated like charity cases.

What other things in Australia do you think you could make 'fairer'?



Now that's a really good question. There are far too many people getting it far too easy in this country. People need to understand how the economy works: Australia needs to have rich people so they can run TV Stations, and build casinos and shopping centres, and vote for the Liberal Party - after all, the Liberal Party's economic policies are based around getting more money for rich people, so we'd be pretty buggered if they didn't exist. But to have rich people, we also need poor people. It's poor people's job to keep giving over money to rich people so that they can stay rich, and the poor people can stay poor. I really don't know why this isn't taught in schools, it makes perfect sense.

So, bearing that in mind, there's one thing that I'd really like to see change in Australia: Seriors' Cards should mean that old people pay more for things, not less. Old people are really good at being poor. Not only don't they contribute to the economy, they also have a weird smell. Everyone knows that poor people smell, 'cause they can't afford water and soap. Old people have it far too good, none of them work, and they get seats reserved for them on public transport. I reckon it's high time that they started spending more on the rich, and less on bingo.

Come on old people, stop being so lazy and un-Australian with your naps and feeding pidgeons and riding around in your wheelchairs. It's time to start giving back to this country by forking out more money to rich people. It's called "Mateship".

And like the song says: Advance Australia Fair.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

I really need to know if there's any truth to the rumour that Mr Sheen and you are the same person.




You know, a few years ago I'd been asked this a few times, but I didn't know who Mr Sheen was. So I went and asked Janette, and she reckoned it was some bloke on a cleaning product. No wonder I hadn't heard of him, 'cause obviously only a woman would know something like that. Anyway, this is him:

Honestly, I reckon he looks more like Daryl Williams.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Dear John,

What's your favourite song? I bet it's "I'd love to have a beer with Duncan". Or the American national anthem.

- Claire


Well, both of those are radical songs, but my favourite is the Australian National Anthem. It's such a cool cong and best of all, the lyrics are spot on. Because Aussies are all young, and free, and wealthy, and our home really is girt by sea. Well, mine's not girt by sea, but Kirribilli is right next to Sydney Harbour. That's how you can tell real Australians from foreigners. Like, they're always poor, that's why they sponge off the government. And their homes aren't girt by sea, 'cause most of them are locked up in detention centres where they belong. The only line I don't like, is "For those who've come across the seas, we've boundless plains to share", because that's not entirely true. It really should say, "For those who've come across the seas from white, wealthy, english-speaking backgrounds, we've boundless plains to share".

I really should get that changed.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Sunday, March 23, 2003

Honourable Prime Minister Sir,

I am an avid cricket fan, as I know you are (it's because of you that I started following the game infact), but with this awesome cool war on I was wondering where your commitments lie. Will you infact watch the cricket final tonight or will you stand by the phone waiting for georgy porgey to ring through word from the war? Or will you impress us all and multitask - watch the cricket WHILE waiting for the phone?

Tell me, I bequeath you,



Normally, I'd tape that War and watch the cricket, but tonight I don't know what to do, 'cause the Academy Awards are on, too! I mean, I could tape the Academy Awards and watch the cricket, but then what if something happened in the War, and then I had to do a press conference and I didn't know what it was about?! Or If I watched the War and taped the cricket, but then what about the glitz!? The glamor!? Sigh. I suppose I could miss the cricket, but then.... no, I can't do that.

See, the problem is that Australians are so cool, that we're everywhere. So do I watch our troops kill terrorists in Iraq, Nicole Kidman win an Oscar, or our cricketers play cricket?

It's so hard being a PM sometimes. Maybe an electronics company will, uh, "lend" me another VCR for the night...

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Dear John,

When I visited Canberra, I went to parliament house to visit you, but you weren't in the house that day. I drove past the Lodge, but it looked like just a bush shack and you weren't in the lodge anway. I walked to the tent embassy but you weren't in the tent, and they said you never had been either.

Don't you think it is time we had a national housing strategy and built a real stately home for our Prime Minister in the National capital?



Well, yeah and nah. The lodge is ok, but I can think of heaps of ways they could make it better: A waterslide, a jumping castle, or like, make the whole house out of chocolate and lollies and stuff. But the problem is, if they made it any better, then they'd probably expect me to live there all the time, and that'd suck, 'cause like, have you ever been to Canberra? Its really boring. Well, it's fun when Parliaments on, 'cause then all my mates are there and we can get together and play cricket, but then they all go home, and Canberra sucks again.

So it's kind of good that the lodge is a little bit crap, 'cause so is Canberra.

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Dear PM,

My punk teenager took the day off school yesterday, without me knowing, to go in an anti-war protest. What do you think would be a suitable punishment?

Your Subject,


Dear L,

You know, people are always going on and on about how drinking and drugs are the main problems with kids today, but I think it's time that they faced the latest dangerous fad: Anti-War Protests. They wag school, block up the streets, scare the elderly, make too much noise, and waste all their money on placards and stupid commie-trash "newspapers". And they always look so angry and stuff, so I don't even reckon they actually enjoy the protests, they just go 'cause of peer-preassure.

Well, no more. It's time to get these kids off the streets and back into Young Libs meetings where they belong.

First off, force your son to join the cadets and, when he's old enough, the army. Set a good example for him in public by harrasing anyone who looks foreign and encourage him to do the same. But most importantly, ban him from watching and listening to left-wing crap like the ABC (and that includes Classic FM, it's all there so the left can brainwash Australians), especially that rubbish on Triple J, because that's where our kids get these stupid ideas of "rights" and "peace".

I know it's hard, but it's for your kid's own good. If continue to turn a blind eye to this Anti-War Protesting, before you know it, he'll be working for the Trade Unions, or even worse, the ABC.

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Sunday, March 16, 2003


Why do my scones always come out too dry? Am I overcooking them, or is it because I'm using "HiLo" milk?
And what's the best way to get a red cordial stain out of corduroy?



Dear Regina,

I don't know how to make scones. Obviously Janette does, 'cause she's a chick and that's what chicks do. Except sometimes when they try to get into Parliament and wear Doc Martins and think they're sooo cool until their party is all, "Nu-uh, you suck" and boots their arse out. So you'd probably be better at working out scones than me, but next time your kids have gone to school, and your husband is at work earning a wage to provide for your family, if you can find a bit of time in between dusting and darning socks and stuff, try experimenting with different types of milk, or something.

I don't know much about red cordial, either, 'cause Janette won't let me drink it. She reckons it makes me too jumpy so I can't concentrate in Parliament, which is dumb, 'cause like I'm concentrating in Parliament, anyway.

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Thursday, February 27, 2003

Dear Great One,

Do you think that after we kick Saddam's arse George will let us hold a Triumph? Like they used to have in Rome: We can drag Saddam through the streets in a cage and all the kiddies can throw pies and lamingtons at him. We need another celebration, it's been a long time since the Olympics.

Patriot 1

Dear Patriot,

Hmm, Rome... that sounds foreign, like isn't that somwhere in Asia? You've gotta be careful about using those Asian traditions, 'cause before you know it, they'll have taken over our way of life, and we won't have great Aussie past times like Christmas or Halloween.

But you're right, we probably should do something to celebrate whipping Saddam's bum, but something Aussie, like a barbeque or a pie night. And it would have to be hosted by Bert Newton or Eddie MacGuire. And we could all sit around and sing "Na na na naaa, na na na naaaaa, Sa-da-aaaam, goo-ood bye!"

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Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Dear John,

Last week we walked for peace and this morning we walked for CAA.

I heard that you walk a lot too – what do you walk for?


Dear Paul,

I walk for publicity and sex appeal, mainly. Because politicians wearing suits in pictures has been done too much and is soooo unoriginal, but when I wear my running-shorts and show a bit of leg, the ladies go wild! Well, they probably do, I mean, I don't see them when they open up the paper and drool over pictures of me going for my morning power-walk in exotic locations like America or Adelaide, but clearly those sorts of saucy pictures sell papers, because why else would people buy them? To read editorials written by bleeding-heart lefties who use too many big words? Not likely.

Plus, I also walk so I don't end up looking like Kim Beazley.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Monday, January 20, 2003

John Howard,

You can enlarge your member 1-3 inches in a matter of days!

We are the #1 MALE ENLARGEMENT supplement on the web. We guarantee the success of our program or we will refund every penny.

Come find out why more men AND WOMEN come to us than any other site.

- Many More Inches

Dear Many,

I'm a Member of Parliament, and I'd love to be a few extra inches taller. I've been vertically challenged my whole life, and I've tried heaps of things things to get taller, but nothing's worked. Like, I thought platform shoes would make me look really funky and stuff, but they're really hard to walk in, and Janette wouldn't let me put rhinestones into my suit to match, anyway. I also tried spiking my hair up, but I don't actually have that much hair and I looked too much like one of those angry kids with the piercings and chains.

So if you can help me grow a bit, that'd be really cool. I'm one member who could do with a few extra inches.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Dear John,

I want to improve my public speaking, and have been admiring your body language when you talk for some time. Do you have a coach that gives you little tips like when to shrug, etc.?


Dear Tim,

Being the PM is a pretty tough job, so sometimes there are people around who tell me how to act and dress and stuff, and there are also these people who write my speeches, even though I reckon I could write them just as good. But they reckon I'm too busy ruling the country and stuff.

But even though there are people "helping" me with all that other stuff, my public speaking skillz are all mine. Which is pretty important, 'cause imagine if you had a PM who couldn't speak, how much would that suck? Like, they'd get up to say something in Parliament, but then they'd realise that they couldn't, and so they'd just stand there looking awkward and it'd be heaps boring. So anyway, because, as you so correctly pointed out, I'm a hot-shit public speaker, I've put together a guide to a few of my favourite public speaking "moves" that I've made up over the years:

  1. The Double Fist
    The Double Fist is a really good one to scare people. It says, "Hey, I don't just have one fist, I have two, and if I had another hand, there might be even be three". And see my face? That's a "serious" face, because the Double Fist doesn't work when you're laughing, but when you make the "serious" face, it says, "I have two fists and I'm serious about that".

  2. The Knitted-Brow with Kissy Lips
    Now, the name of this one is misleading, 'cause Kissy Lips aren't a good thing, and your brow isn't actually "knitted", like with needles or anything. Anyway, the Knitted-Brow is good for showing that you're "concerned" about something. It shows that you're so concerned, that you think your eyebrows need to be close together to give each other emotional support over such a concerning matter. Kissy Lips say, "I'm so concerned over this matter that I just may have to kiss you and give you boy-germs", not that I have boy-germs, but the people I'm talking to may not know that.

  3. The Right-Side Glance
    Glancing to the right is just a good way of saying, "Hey, I'm conservative and proud of it" and also, "If you're a leftie, then I'm not even looking at you. I'm looking at everyone on the right, but not you, you stupid leftie!"

  4. The Left-Side Glance
    This one's sort of like the Right-Side Glance, only not, 'cause here I'm saying, "Hey lefities, yeah, I'm giving you a nasty look and gritting my teeth at you, because you smell".

  5. The Laughing With God
    Sometimes when you're giving a speech, you have to laugh 'cause either you made a really good joke, or 'cause you're making fun of someone, like members of the Labor Party or Minority groups, or whatever, and the joke is so funny that you want God to know you've made it, so you laugh up to God and then you can imagine him laughing back and going, "Haha! If there's a bad Simon Crean joke, I haven't heard it!" Of course, the only problem with this one is that even though you can make a pretty good joke about Simon Crean, the best ever Simon Crean joke is Simon Crean, and God made that one.

  6. The Open Hand
    What's great about this one, is that it makes people very afraid. Because they say, "Ooh, his hand's open... is he going to make the fist? Or is he going to slap someone? Or take something?" So they get all excited, because they're afraid of what's going to happen next. Once the hand has been opened, people will pee their pants at the dangerous possibilities of what you might do with it.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Dear Prime Minister,

What is the go with John Anderson? He is such a nong, can't you get rid of him and replace him someone else?

Actually the National Party is lacking in political talent, so why don't you create a 'mini-John' in the spirit of Austin Powers' 'mini-me' for your new deputy. That would be super cool.


Mrs K.

Dear Mrs K,

That would be super-cool, but cloning's wrong, and stuff. And if I had a clone, Simon Crean would probably copy me and make a clone of himself, and that would suck heaps, 'cause one Simon Crean is more than enough.

The thing about the National Party is that they're losers. But they're losers who keep us in Government. It's not like we actually let them have a say, or anything, but hanging around with us makes them feel cool. And I'm a pretty nice guy, so if they wanna feel cool, well, why not?

Plus, us conservatives have to stick together, so we can moon lefties together, and stuff.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

Do you think it could be hypocrisy when countries like the USA and UK are always whining about Nth Korea, India, Pakistan and Iraq having Weapons of Mass Destruction while they maintain the biggest stockpiles in the world of every type of these weapons ever made?

And also, given that the US obviously has more than enough and you and George are such great mates, why doesn't he lay some fission on us so we can deal with all our 'Regional Issues', like the way none of our neighbours want us in ASEAN and stuff?

Also, if you hate Muslims, and Paul Keating hated Dr Mahathir from Malaysia who is a Muslim, does this mean you and Paul Keating really agreed on stuff after all?

Yours Adoringly,

Norf Grnnerk

Dear Grnnerk,

They're allowed to have weapons 'cause they're Westerners. Der.

It's a bad idea for Australia to have nuclear weapons, though, 'cause the Greenies will get really annoying. Or like, more annoying than they are now. But 'cause I'm such good mates with George Bush, we can just pretend that his weapons are ours. Foreigners are stupid, and they'll believe stuff like that.

Speaking of stupid people, that stuff about Paul Keating doesn't count, 'cause everyone hates Dr Mahathir. Keating is still a der-brain, and I'm not.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear PM,

I have always believed in assimilation of people from other countries into our own country.
I symbolise this by mixing rice bubbles and cocopops in my breakfast bowl, and the cocopops get lighter as the rice bubbles get browner. It's a small gesture, but an important one, I think. The milk goes brown, too (this represents miscegenation, or mixing of the races), and they all end up one happy bowl of cereal which has elements of the cocopops and the rice bubbles.
My wife thinks this is stupid and pointless, and says if I really believed in the concept I should pour chocolate milk on the cereal as well as plain milk.

What do you think?

Mr Crispy

Dear Mr Crispy,

I reckon you've answered your own question there. See, you pour in the white milk, but it turns brown! The brown takes over! The Coco Pops either take all the jobs from the Rice Bubbles, or they just float around all day sponging off the economy. And then what happens? All the other cereals presume that it's open season in Mr Crispy's breakfast cereal and before you know it, the whole bowl's been taken over by Corn Pops, Sustain, Nutri-Grain, Sultana Bran, Fruit Loops, Crispix, All-Bran and God knows what else.

You've got to take a stand now, Mr Crispy. Rice Bubbles, White Milk and White toast. Multiculturalism has no place in a balanced breakfast.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Monday, November 25, 2002

Hey Johnboy,

What do you think of those French Eskimoes up in Canada called
your mate George Bush a moron? Should someone go up there and
smack them?


Dear C,

Yeah, someone probably should, but then, what's the deal with Canada? They're like America, only... not. Like, they look American, they sound American, but they don't have any of the things that makes America cool, like nuclear weapons and George Bush.

So they probably just called him that 'cause they're jealous. Like how Kiwis are jealous of us 'cause we have Vegemite and the Big Pineapple and me.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear Mr Howard,

Now that your clever coup inspired plan of separating the Lefties in the Democrats from their only true liberal minded leader Meg, and thereby com-pletely leaving them without a path to follow, has come to pass. How do you propose to get rid of the rest of this pesky group.

Mr Crikey

Dear Mr Crikey,

The Democrats? Who? They're sooooo five minutes ago! The Democrats were just some stupid fad. I reckon they'll probably just fight over who has the coolest shoes until they're all, like... fighted out and stuff.

Anyway, they're not my problem and it's not as if they're a real party, or anything.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Monday, November 18, 2002

Dear Chairman God-Johnny,

I am wondering two things: When you were in the political wilderness (after Peacock shafted you), what books did you read and study to learn all the wise ways that help you be the bestest PM we have ever had. And also while you were out in the wilderness, did you make a Faustian pact at all? I just wonder because it could be said that you have the luck of the devil...whenever you need a crisis to unite the nation, one happens (September 11th last year and Bali bombing)...this could be mere coincidence, but did you make that drought happen too?

I am in awe and bewildered.



Dear Golly-gosh,

Every night before bed time, I read the same book: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr Suess. It's heaps cool. I like it 'cause every time there's a question in the book (like, "Why are they sad and glad and bad?"), Dr Suess never answers it ("I don't know, go ask your dad"). That's pretty smart, 'cause that Red Fish is clearly a Communist and there are lots of foreign-sounding things in there, as well, like the "Zans", who is probably taking much needed can-opening jobs from real people. I also reckon that "Yink" has a drug-habit, too, because it drinks a lot of ink, which is probably what the kids are into these days. I'll bet Mike who pushes the bike is in a union, too.

But the thing is, we'll never know, 'cause Dr Suess never tells us. He'd make a super-cool politician.

And no, I haven't made a pact with Satan, obviously, 'cause then I'd be evil, but I can't be evil, 'cause I'm a Liberal. Duh.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Friday, November 15, 2002

Dear Loving Leader,

Now that the ACCC has allowed those warm hearted corporations Telstra, News and Sing – tel to join forces so that they can get on with the important and socially useful job of really gauging the square eyed members of the community who wish to pay for their small screen viewing - do you think it would be too much to ask for Sing tel’s overhead cables to come down?

It was after all PM Keating who gave the go ahead for our street trees to be hacked and our skies cluttered with those bratwurst like lengths.

Will you rescue our 1950s suburban dream?

Yours in civic concern,

Mr Namadji

Dear Mr Namadji,

Well, we could take the cables down... But don't you reckon that's exactly what the stupid hippy Greens want us to do?

It's like how when you walk past those dumb Wilderness Society Koalas, you don't really hate them that much (in fact, they're kinda cute how they're all floppy and they eat leaves and stuff), but you just have to punch them. Because you know it'll piss off a hippy, and because they're always trying to scam money off you, as if we're going to be all, "Oh, it's a koala, I better give it money, 'cause I run over them all the time and I feel kind of bad", but we're not! Like, do The Wilderness Society think just 'cause they can train giant koalas to hang around the city and beg for money that we aren't gonna punch them? Because we are, aren't we Mr Namadji? You know you love to punch koalas, don't you? We all do, it's what brings the conservatives of this country together.

And I mean, if they really cared about animals and stuff, would they send poor, floppy, giant kolas out into the streets where we're all going to punch them? No. They just do it 'cause they're hippies, and drinking all that soy-milk has ruined their brains.

So yeah, we could take down the cables, but then we'd have to stop punching giant Wilderness Society Koalas, and I think you and I both know that that would be a sad day for Australia.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Dear Most Honourable Revered Untouchable Holy Worship of Omniscient Knowledge and Omnipotent Power,

Your humble servant meekly asks thee that you might care to answer, what is thy favourite Chinese food?

Be it Peking Duck or BBQ Pork? Dim-sims or Lobster? Cantonese or Suechuanese?

Your opinion is most desired, o Great One.


Dear Wen-Boy,

I don't eat Chinese food much, 'cause people who own Chinese restaurants are always foreigners for some reason.

But my local Fish 'n Chip Shop does have Dim Sims and I sometimes eat them, though Pauline Hanson always insisted that they weren't Chinese, so I dunno. What about Chiko Rolls, where are they from?

I also like Satay Chicken, which sounds foreign (well, not the chicken, but "satay" doesn't look familiar) but is grouse on a barbeque. At the Annual Liberal Party Barbeque (which happens about once a year) a few years ago, we played the best prank on Alex Downer: We told him we were giving him Satay Chicken, but it was really Satay Pork!! Ha! You should have seen his face, he got such a surprise!

Though he said it tasted pretty good.

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Dear Little Johnny,

I am sure that you are very glad that since the 80's the Labor parties from across the world have seen the light and started coping your enlightened ideas on human rights and ecconomics. What do you think of the new threat posed by the green parties who are stepping into the vaccum left?


Capt'n Crunch

p.s why are you called the liberals if you are conservative?

p.p.s i know someone who's in love with you? first name starts with G

Dear Capt'n,

The Greens don't pose much of a threat to anything, 'cause a) They're not even a real party, b) They're all anemic and stuff, 'cause they're hippies and they only eat Tofu and Granola, and c) They're stupid.

I wonder about the name a bit myself, but I'm pretty sure it was a pre-emptive thing, just so Labor couldn't have it. Like the other day, I knew Simon Crean wanted a Four 'n Twenty for lunch ('cause he always does), and there was only one left at the shop, so even though Janette had made me a couple of Vegimite and Lettuce Sandwiches, I bought the pie and then threw it at his car. So he stuck out his toungue at me and walked off. I'll bet it was to cry. He's such a cry baby.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

What's the deal with your eyebrows mate? Now don't get angry, but I think it would be in your best interests to hire a chainsaw from Kennards to give the caterpillars a bit of a trim?


Dear Karen,

I'm just as God made me. Well, I mean, when I was born I was smaller and naked and I couldn't talk and I wasn't the PM, but apart from that.

Janette, my stylist (she's also my wife), reckons they're sexy and I reckon they make up for the fact that I'm lacking a bit of hair up on top.

Plus, Sir Robert Menzies had pretty big eyebrows and he was cool. So is Agro, and he has big eyebrows (well, it's more like one monobrow) too.

So nya.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

Have you considered investing all the money you are spending on the military and refugee gulags on building a time machine instead? That way, you can travel back to the 1950s and escape all the terrible social ills of the modern world, instead of trying to take all of us back with you.

Concerned for your welfare, and ours

Dear Concerned,

That'd be heaps cool, but I asked Peter McGauran, and he doesn't reckon it'd work.

Once Phil Ruddock and I built a time machine, but it was really just covered Phil's car in tin foil and pipe cleaners. We wanted to go back to see Dinosaurs, but instead we ended up at a Liberal Party Convention.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Monday, November 11, 2002


Steve Bracks is calling an election soon, so we hear. We know he's a family man, a nice looking gentleman to the ladies, who has done nothing for Victoria except open projects started by the previous government, and kiss arse with every greenie and yobbo around.

What are your suggestions to the Victorian Labor voters to get Liberal (even though it will be Jeff Kennett-less) into power? I'm liberal all the way to the moon, by the way.


Dear Cory,

Yes, Steve Bracks is a bit of a dickhead. But to be honest, so was Jeff Kennett. Kennett thought he was sooo much cooler than me, and I was all, "Dude, your only a Premier, that's pretty lame. Get over yourself."

But now, they've got Robert Doyle, who's ok. We haven't hung out that much, mainly 'cause he's from the Nintendo faction, and I'm from the Playstation faction. Like, we're all in the same party, but...Mario? Like a game about a tradesperson? A foreign tradesperson?

I do have a Gameboy, though, because I like to think of myself as accepting of all gaming cultures. Except for X-boxes. They're totally uncool.

So maybe it's time for Victorians to think long and hard about what their gaming preferance is, because I don't even think Bracks owns any sort of console. Or if he does, it's probably like an Atari, or something else old and crap.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

You are awesome! Well done on your work so far! Besides your Australian collegues, which international politician are you close with?


Dear Sandra,

I'm really good mates with George Bush. Like, he's my best mate, and I don't know if I'm his best mate but I told him I'd give him half of the lamingtons Janette packed me for lunch yesterday if I could be his best mate, but he didn't know what lamingtons were, so now I don't know if he likes me or not. He's also friends with Tony Blair, even though he's a der-face and he smells (Tony, not George). I don't know why, though, 'cause Tony never has lamingtons for lunch, he has like, salads and other stupid leftie foods.

I don't mind most of the other leaders (except the ones from foreign countries like the Middle East, I hate them), but if they don't speak English then they get kind of boring.

Probably what sucks the most is that none of the politicians from overseas ever want to trade footy cards with me. I've got a wicked collection, but none of them know how to play AFL. Maybe I'll start watching grid iron.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

With your narrow, 1950s, Leave It to Beaver view of the world, it strikes me as a tad strange that Janette seems to run the show down at Kirribilli. Ward Cleaver would never have let it happen. Who wears the pants in your family, John?


Dear Jamie,

Janette doesn't like to wear pants, she prefers skirts and dresses.

Of course I run my household! I mean, if I couldn't do that, how could I run a country? They're actually similar in many ways: I only let my friends in, I don't really like my neighbours, but I pretend I do 'cause they're pretty big and I don't want to make trouble, and I like to make cubby houses in the backyard. Oh wait, that last one's just at my house, though once John Anderson and I built a fort outside Parliament House, but then Eric Abetz came along, and he thought it was part of the Aboriginal Tent Embassy, and he started yelling at us to piss off, 'cause we were too close to Parliament House, but then he realised it was us, and we let him in and we played this game where we pretended we were in charge of a country, and I wanted to be the PM, but they didn't think I was right for it, so I had to be the Minster for forts and huts. I was pretty good at that.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Mr Howard,

Has George Bush II given you a cool deputy sheriff badge so you're no longer jealous of Philip Ruddock's Amnesty badge. We also hear Kevin Andrew's has a 'Honk if You Love Jesus' badge to go along with the bumper-stick, is this all the rage? Also if you're deputy-sheriff do you get to say lots of kick-arse Chuck Norris lines, and karate kick the occasional reporter?


Dear Dunc,

No, I don't have a deputy sheriff badge, but that would be pretty cool. I have been thinking about topping Phil's Amnesty badge by finding an equally hipocritical one. I might get a "Free the Refugees" one or a "Friends of the ABC", but so far, no one will sell one to me. I don't know why, maybe they don't realise I'm the Prime Minister.

Chuck Norris is wicked cool. I want my own show called "Howard: Australian Prime Minister", and the theme song would be like:

In the eyes of a Liberal
The unsuspecting foreigner
Better know the truth of boats from queues
'Cause the eyes of a Liberal are upon you
Any queue you jump he's gonna see
Next time you're people smuggling look behind you
'Cause that's where a Liberal's gonna be

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Have you ever played Knock and Run?


Dear Sarah,

Sorry, I don't know that game. My favourite games are: cricket, Monopoly (some people reckon I look like the Monopoly man, but I don't see it), and Street Fighter on my Sega (you get to beat up Asians and stuff. My favourite character is Ken, he's from America).

Sometimes we also play rugby at Parliament House. Since Labor lost Kim Beazley, they always lose. The Greens never play against us, though, 'cause they're too busy playing hacky-sack or whatever, and they're probably anaemic anyway, 'cause they only eat tofu and stuff.

We kicked Labor's arse at rugby the other day, 'cause all the union presidents were standing on the side-lines telling them what to do. Crean denied it though, he reckoned it was 'cause their gender quotas meant they had to have too many girls on the side. That's crap, though, 'cause we've got Amanda Vanstone, and she's the best player on our team.

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Mr PM,

Did you have fun at the footy and standing next to the NZ PM chick?


Dear Lisa

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the Labor Party suck. Mind you, Helen Clark is cooler than Tony Blair or Simon Crean, in a lame sort of way.

But I reckon she can't speak New Zealand, 'cause I can, and I go to her, "Thus us choice fush und chups, eh bro?" And she didn't know what I was saying! I mean, she just speaks English, and she's not even the Prime Minister of England!

So I guess the Labor Party just suck world-wide.

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I heard Peter Andren talking to someone the other day and he said you were a big dumb-head. And you smell like poo. He made me promise not to tell you, too, otherwise he's going to give me a big noogie. Oops.

Anyway. Are you going to fight him?


Dear Innle,

I probably won't fight him because he smells like poo. And because I'm rubber, and he's glue, and everything he says bounces off me and sticks to... him.

And Janette says that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. And I don't even reckon that sticks and stones would break my bones. They'd probably just leave a nasty bruise.

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You're not really gonna sell Telstra to foreigners are you? The 'stra' in Telstra is from the word Australia. If Telstra goes to USA, will it become 'Telmerica', or something about how you get excited by telephone calls from george bush? Telerection?


Dear Cory,

I always thought the "stra" stood for "orchestra". But "Australia" make a lot more sense. What do you reckon the "Tel" stands for?

It's cool if we sell Telstra to foreigners, though, because we're a "multi-cultural" society. And Janette says that means that we have heaps of people from other countries here. Like Aboriginals. Though, of course we won't be selling Telstra to Aboriginals, 'cause they all live off hand-outs, so they couldn't afford it.

Most of our other "public" services are owned by foreigners (though none by Aboriginals), and it works fine. For instance, even though it's usually owned by foreign companies, most states have great public transport. Well, I mean, I never actually use public transport, but I see trains and buses and stuff all the time, and they always seem to be moving ok. Well, buses sometimes stop at traffic lights, but I think that's because they're supposed to. And they probably don't run at night, either.

So don't worry about it, Telstra has a bright future in the hands of people who aren't Aboriginals.

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I know you're big on the Bush man at the moment but he's not the one who's going to bestow knighthood on you, when that time comes. Have you thought about that, John? (Most Lib leaders get them, if you haven't noticed; though, curiously, Labor leaders don't. Discuss.)

And another thing you should think about: there's already a Sir John - that Kerr bloke, the CIA spy. And a Sir Winston, that fat pommie war fella. Where does that leave you, John? Sir what?


Dear Concerned,

First of all, why don't Labor leaders get knighted? Because they smell.

Fortunately, I don't smell, and I'm pretty close with Queen Liz. We're like that (I know you can't see me now, but I'm crossing my fingers). We get on great guns 'cause we both think Tony Blair is a loser. So I'm counting on a knighthood. It's only a matter of time.

And yeah, Kerr got in there first. But he never led a country, and let's be honest, Governor General is a pretty bludgy job. Plus he's dead, and I reckon that leaves 'Sir John' up for grabs. I'm totally calling shotgun on it.

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Dear John,

I reckon you're the coolest leader we've ever had. I just want to know, how do you get your eyebrows like that? Does Janette do them for you? I bet that's why George didn't invite you to Camp David - he's just jealous of how much more statesmanlike you look. If you want him to like you you have to stop showing him up all the time.

I was a bit upset to hear you'd donated some of your cardigans to the bludgers. I mean, it's good that you care, but they've got to take responsibility for their own style at some point, right? I hope you still have enough. I am, (and I'm sure many other patriots are) quite willing to knit you more if you want. It wouldn't be much effort at all. Colour?


Dear Calla,

I'm a sexy man, I know. It's true that George must be a little intimidated by this, but I think he handles it ok. He's a lot taller than me (most people are), and I reckon that helps ease it a bit.

I wish that I could rely on dole bludgers to take responsibility for their own style, but the fact is that they don't. Footy shorts, flannelette shirts, moccasins... I've seen what the people who go to Centrelink wear, and it's making this country ugly. I wouldn't be the rockin' PM that I am, if I didn't at least try to help beautify our nation.

So instead of knitting me cardigans (Janette's got that covered), go and knit one for the bogan down the street. And their twelve kids. Show them that you can get classier than K-Mart. And while you're there, you could mention to them that they might want to get off their lazy arse, get a job and stop sponging off their country and the generosity of others.

So go on, knit a cardy for a bludger. Do it for your country.

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Hey John,

Mate, long time fan of yours. I always admired the courage it took to stand up to Beazley. He was so big.

Anyways, my idea is, do you reckon we could have a conscription bill signing up the democrats and labour and everyone else that you.. I mean we don't like? then we can send them off to war instead. I'm sure Simon Meany could scare them all away.

So with my radical cool ideas, can I join your party?


Dear Matt,

You ideas are radical cool! Though I'd advise you to join the National Party, just so you could take over from John Anderson, cause you sound way cooler than he is. Ando's such a square.

Now, while your idea is ace, there is a problem. I mean, can you imagine having a bigger pack of losers defending our country?

The Dem's would be too busy fighting with each other. It'd be all, "I'm leader!" "No I'm leader!" "Bitch. And that's my khaki jacket!" "No, it's my khaki jacket!" Etc.

And Labor? What a useless pack of whingers! They wouldn't be able to do anything unless we did it first. That, or they'd say they were going to do one thing, then completely reverse their stance when they actually had to do something.

But I like the way you think; Taking useless people and making them usefull. So I reckon we could set up something like Work for the Dole, only it'd be Fight for the Dole. We'd get all the dole bludgers and send them off to war, so they can destroy another country's economy, instead of ours.

And if their dole cheque's at stake, you can bet that they'll do the job properly. Plus, even if they die, it saves the Government money. It's win-win.

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The other day I bumped into someone in the street and I was in such a rush, I didn't remember to say "sorry"! What should I have done? Do you think it's OK to not say "sorry" now and again, like when you're reeealy busy 'n that?


Dear Joffaboy,

Was it an Aboriginal? Aboriginals have a thing with that word. They're always trying to get me to say it.

Now, it wasn't your fault that an Aboriginal got in your way. You were in a rush, they should've got out of the way. So really, it was the Aboriginal's fault that you got knocked and they should be the one apologising.

You were right not to apologise, because if you had, before you know it they'd be making a National "Sorry I Bumped Into You" Day, and Aboriginals might expect to be treated like equals. And then they'd probably take over the country. And then maybe the world.

So for the good of mankind, don't ever say "Sorry" to an Aboriginal.

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Dear John,

I'm really concerned about Australia's current policy of mandatory detention. I mean, there are people who are fleeing persecution in their own country, only to be put in jail in Australia. Shouldn't we be helping these people, rather than victimising them?

On top of that, the policy is in breech of the UN Declaration of Human Rights.

How long is this going to go on?

B Wallace

Dear B. Wallace,

What you need to understand, is that countries don't just suck because they have bad leaders, they suck because they have bad citizens.

Now, a cool country like Australia is cool because of people like you (unless you're not an Australian citizen, in which case: GO HOME!). Australians don't get on boats and try to illegally get into other countries. And, to a degree, that's cause you've got a cool PM (me) and cause Australia's a cool country. But it's also because Australians are cool. So you elect cool PM's like me, and make the country cool. And in turn that's what makes Australians cool: that they're cool. You understand so far? Of course you do, you're an Australian.

Now, when someone comes into Australia illegally, it means they've come from a country that's not cool. Otherwise they would've stayed there. But what they don't understand, is that their country's not cool, because they're not cool. If they were, they would've made the country cool. They'd have a cool PM and they probably wouldn't wear funny clothes like most of them do.

And that's also how we know that if one person from a country isn't cool, no person from that country is cool. Because if they were, the country would be cool, and then the original person would've be cool and there would be no reason to come here in the first place.

That's also why I'm the PM, and not Simon Crean. Because he's a total dropkick. If he were PM, you'd all be jumping into crappy boats because Australia would then be uncool. But if Australia was uncool, then you'd be uncool, too.

So if we let uncool people into Australia, then they'll make Australia uncool. And that will make Australians uncool. And then Simon Crean will become PM. And that's why Australia has a policy of mandatory detention.

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So you think you'll cop the youf vote with your blog? But are your blog workers union loyalists (or at least 40 per cent of them, er, should that be 60 per cent --- i'll have to ask the actu)? Tell the youf that, ay. Bring it on!

Yours in hopping mad opposition,

Simon Cream

Dear Simon,

Your thinly disguised name change doesn't fool me, I know who you really are... Simon Crean!

You're just jealous because you don't have your own blog. Australia's "youf" like me cause I'm wicked cool, and they think you're a loser cause you're just a big, whiney loser. And you're ugly.

And everyone knows the kids reckon I'm totally rad since I got them off their bums and into Work For the Dole. They're really happy now, I saw the ads about it on TV.

And no one who works for me better be a bloody union loyalist. Unions are full of whining hippies, just like the Labor Party. And the Greens. Thank God the Democrats are too busy fighting and bitching about each other to actually do anything.

So why don't you just shove-off back to your stupid party where you all smell so you can all just sit around and be smelly together?

And by the way, I know it was you who stole my Vegimite sandwich today. If you do it again, Amanda Vanstone said she'll kick your arse.

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Dear John,

Here in Japan I meet many people who think the Prime Minister of Australia is Pauline Hanson and that the White Australia Policy is still in force. I tell them that Ms. Hanson and yourself are two different people and Australia is being led my a fearless and courageous man. But can you kindly advise me what I should say or how to counter this misinformation?


PS: When are you next visiting the Land of the Falling Yen?

Dear Paul,

Ciao! (That's Japanese for G'day.)

Obviously there are many differences between Pauline and me, for instance she has red hair, whereas I have no hair. But I reckon people get a bit muddled up cause we've basically taken on many of the One Nation Party's policies.

The difference, though, is that they hate everyone who isn't white, whereas we only hate most people who aren't white. For instance, we like the Chinese. A lot. We also like you Japanese, provided you don't try to invade us again. Cause that wasn't very cool. I can't say I have too many issues with Inuits either, as long as they stay out of our way. But apart from that, we're not big fans of people who aren't like us.

One of the biggest mistake people make about Pauline is that she's racist. She's not, she hates everybody. Expecially me. I went to her shop once, and I asked for chicken salt on my chips, but she didn't put any on! I know this may not seem that bad to you, but seriously, in Australia, most people consider that worse than robbing a bank. My Chiko Roll wasn't cooked properly either.

And that's why I don't like being mistaken for Pauline: because I don't believe in ripping people off when it comes to chicken salt. I fact, when I go to the Fish 'n Chip shop, I expect them to at least chuck in a few free dim sims, too.

So I suggest you make a t-shirt that says something like: "John Howard supports Chicken Salt!" On it. I personally have a cardigan with, "Deep Fry My Scallops!" Knitted into it. Things like this catch people's eye, and in no time, I reckon you'll find that word has spread around Asia that not only am I the leader of this country, but also that when I ask for a Fisherman's Lunchtime Snack-Pack, I expect it to come properly cooked, and well coated with chicken salt.

As for going to Japan, I'm not sure when I'll get over there next, but do you guys want to buy some gas?

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Hi there PM,

After a long week in Parliament not so long ago, I went out to the 'Holy Grail' to let my hair down. Soon after I arrived I saw Joe Hockey showing off his moves on the dance floor and I can tell you, he ain't no John Travolta. He also took off his tie and let his wild chest hair emerge from his half-unbuttoned shirt. It was sick!

Do you think you could mention it to him in Cabinet and make sure he doesn't do it again?

Thanks a million,


Dear Sarah,

Believe me, we've been trying to get Joe to stop his dancing for years.

Last Christmas, I had all the Cabinet (except for Larry Anthony, cause he's a total loser) round to the lodge for a bit of a bash, and it was going great guns, till John Anderson spiked the punch. We all realised what'd happened, and just stuck to the sparkling grape juice and fanta, but Joe didn't and he drank waaay too much, and started trying to break dance.

Now, this wouldn't have been that bad, but I was doing my robot dancing, and he totally stole my thunder. But it got worse. When we tried to do the Hokey-Pokey, he Moonwalked through the middle of us, and cause we were all putting our left legs in and shaking them all about, we all fell over. Rob Hill grazed his knee really badly.

Then, when Dave Kemp and Pete McGauran were doing the Locomotion, Joe started doing the Timewarp. Dave and Pete were swinging their hips and jumping up high, when Joe took a jump to the left, a step to the right and it all ended in tears.

Now we just shove a plate of fairy bread in front of him and it normally keeps him occupied. However, there was one incident earlier this year when Joe skulled two litres of Coke and Amanda Vanstone had to spear-tackle him to stop him doing the Macarena in the middle of a National Press Club Luncheon.

So I'm not sure what more I can do about it. Maybe I can pass some legislation that stops him from trying to cut a rug in public, but I'm not sure if it'd get through the Senate.

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Where's my car?


Dear c@,

I don't know where your car is. I was never told about this car. I'm not even sure I know what a car is.

Ask Peter Reith. He probably knows. In fact, he probably stole your car. In fact, there are pictures proving that he did steal your car, while sewing his lips up and throwing small, foreign children out of the car window.

Actaully, scrap that last bit. If there are pictures, I've never seen them and I don't know anything about them.

But Peter Reith might.

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Why are you so mean to native australians?


Dear Pete,

The thing about Aboriginals, is that they want to take over the country. I mean, that's what native title is all about: Aboriginals stealing all our land.

They've got to understand that they can't just come in here and take land that doesn't belong to them.

I'm not being mean, just acting in the best interests of Australia. Imagine if they ran this country: We'd all have to wear loin clothes or run around naked, Ernie Dingo would host every single TV show, and we'd have to eat kangaroos.

So the question really shouldn't be 'Why am I being so mean to them?', but rather 'Why aren't you?'

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I know that we are the lucky country - stable system of government, constitution that has stood for a serious period of time, the rule of law, good standard of living, weather good except in places like Canberra, no border disputes and all of that. The only problem is, our neighbours seem to let us down. What can we do to make countries like Solomon Islands, Nauru, New Zealand, Fiji, PNG etc shape up? Do you have a plan? I know we are all focused on the USA and the UK and the UN and the Middle East and Saddam and Condi Rice etc at the moment, but we can't neglect our own back yard.



Dear HipHopGirl,

Excellent question. You're right, our Neighbours are letting us down. I've had a think about it and I think I've got a good plan:

Australia has so many great cool things about it, that we can probably rent out a few to some of our Neighbours to make them a bit cooler. Obviously we've already started to beautify some of our neighbouring countries with detention centres, but others could do with a bit more sprucing up. For instance, I think we could spare the Big Pineapple for a while and rent it to Fiji. It's a pretty classy building, and I reckon it'd go great guns with the current decor of the place. I'm pretty sure they have fruit over there, anyway.

New Zealand has lots of mountains and stuff, so Ayers Rock would probably fit in well there. Though the Aboriginals might get a little pissed if they have it for too long.

And if any other country will take it, I'd be pretty happy to give away the entire city of Hobart, too.

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Why don't we get any bloody money? I go to one of the top selective schools in Sydney, and although we're all old and have tradition as well as smart people, we have no money. Instead, you give it to bloody private schools where all they do is screw sheep and molest each other.


Little Miss Curious

Dear Little Miss Curious,

When I went to Canterbury Boys' High, I often used to wonder the same thing. So when I became PM, I thought, "Well, I better give them some money!" But then I thought, "Hang about. If I didn't get to go to a well-funded public school, why should anyone else?"

So it's a matter of equality. Australia's all about equality. If one person misses out, everyone else should, too.

Do they really screw sheep and molest each other at private schools? Are you sure you're not getting confused with the Catholic Church?

I suppose If you really want more money, you could always hassle Bob Carr, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

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Dear Mr Howard, Sir,

I did like you said, and stayed home to bring up the kiddies. The trouble is, their father smokes pot hardcore, and can just about manage to pay for an ounce a week out of his wage, but it doesn't leave much for the housekeeping jar, you know?

So I went and got me one of those beaut pensions. Now, I know I shouldn't have, not really, cus now I can't have any friends (we live in state housing) and even my mum says she's gunna dob me in.

I did everything like I was sposed to. But I think you spend too much time having sleepovers with all those foreign bigwigs, and you've forgotten about the little aussie battler. And Mrs Little Aussie Battler. And the little little battlers.

Yours sincerely,


Dear Sharmain,

Oh, you dole-bludgers are all the same: "Give me more money!" "My husband's a pot-head!" "My Mum's gonna dob me in!" "Yours Sincerely!".

If your husband's smoking pot, he's proabably a member of the Greens party. That would also explain why you have no money. That bloody hippy party is always detroying families. They don't even realise the destruction that they cause. Probably 'cause they're too stoned.

There are some pretty easy ways to tell if your husband is indeed a member of the Greens: 1) Does he like to say things in rhyming slogans (eg - "1,2,3,4, thanks for dinner, can I have some more?")? 2) Does he prefer to play hacky-sack over AFL? 3) Does he constantly write me letters (on recycled paper) about the enivronment and stuff, that I throw away or burn?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, then your husband probably is a Green. In that case, you should try and encourage him to find a real party, like oh, the Liberal Party, for example. But if he still wants to stay a hippy Green, then the only thing you can do is to leave him, move on with your life, and stop sponging off taxpayers. After all, it's not their fault that your husband's a lefty beatnik.

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