I want to improve my public speaking, and have been admiring your body language when you talk for some time. Do you have a coach that gives you little tips like when to shrug, etc.?
Being the PM is a pretty tough job, so sometimes there are people around who tell me how to act and dress and stuff, and there are also these people who write my speeches, even though I reckon I could write them just as good. But they reckon I'm too busy ruling the country and stuff.
But even though there are people "helping" me with all that other stuff, my public speaking skillz are all mine. Which is pretty important, 'cause imagine if you had a PM who couldn't speak, how much would that suck? Like, they'd get up to say something in Parliament, but then they'd realise that they couldn't, and so they'd just stand there looking awkward and it'd be heaps boring. So anyway, because, as you so correctly pointed out, I'm a hot-shit public speaker, I've put together a guide to a few of my favourite public speaking "moves" that I've made up over the years:
- The Double Fist
The Double Fist is a really good one to scare people. It says, "Hey, I don't just have one fist, I have two, and if I had another hand, there might be even be three". And see my face? That's a "serious" face, because the Double Fist doesn't work when you're laughing, but when you make the "serious" face, it says, "I have two fists and I'm serious about that".
- The Knitted-Brow with Kissy Lips
Now, the name of this one is misleading, 'cause Kissy Lips aren't a good thing, and your brow isn't actually "knitted", like with needles or anything. Anyway, the Knitted-Brow is good for showing that you're "concerned" about something. It shows that you're so concerned, that you think your eyebrows need to be close together to give each other emotional support over such a concerning matter. Kissy Lips say, "I'm so concerned over this matter that I just may have to kiss you and give you boy-germs", not that I have boy-germs, but the people I'm talking to may not know that.
- The Right-Side Glance
Glancing to the right is just a good way of saying, "Hey, I'm conservative and proud of it" and also, "If you're a leftie, then I'm not even looking at you. I'm looking at everyone on the right, but not you, you stupid leftie!"
- The Left-Side Glance
This one's sort of like the Right-Side Glance, only not, 'cause here I'm saying, "Hey lefities, yeah, I'm giving you a nasty look and gritting my teeth at you, because you smell".
- The Laughing With God
Sometimes when you're giving a speech, you have to laugh 'cause either you made a really good joke, or 'cause you're making fun of someone, like members of the Labor Party or Minority groups, or whatever, and the joke is so funny that you want God to know you've made it, so you laugh up to God and then you can imagine him laughing back and going, "Haha! If there's a bad Simon Crean joke, I haven't heard it!" Of course, the only problem with this one is that even though you can make a pretty good joke about Simon Crean, the best ever Simon Crean joke is Simon Crean, and God made that one.
- The Open Hand
What's great about this one, is that it makes people very afraid. Because they say, "Ooh, his hand's open... is he going to make the fist? Or is he going to slap someone? Or take something?" So they get all excited, because they're afraid of what's going to happen next. Once the hand has been opened, people will pee their pants at the dangerous possibilities of what you might do with it.
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