Thursday, December 26, 2002

Dear John,

I want to improve my public speaking, and have been admiring your body language when you talk for some time. Do you have a coach that gives you little tips like when to shrug, etc.?


Dear Tim,

Being the PM is a pretty tough job, so sometimes there are people around who tell me how to act and dress and stuff, and there are also these people who write my speeches, even though I reckon I could write them just as good. But they reckon I'm too busy ruling the country and stuff.

But even though there are people "helping" me with all that other stuff, my public speaking skillz are all mine. Which is pretty important, 'cause imagine if you had a PM who couldn't speak, how much would that suck? Like, they'd get up to say something in Parliament, but then they'd realise that they couldn't, and so they'd just stand there looking awkward and it'd be heaps boring. So anyway, because, as you so correctly pointed out, I'm a hot-shit public speaker, I've put together a guide to a few of my favourite public speaking "moves" that I've made up over the years:

  1. The Double Fist
    The Double Fist is a really good one to scare people. It says, "Hey, I don't just have one fist, I have two, and if I had another hand, there might be even be three". And see my face? That's a "serious" face, because the Double Fist doesn't work when you're laughing, but when you make the "serious" face, it says, "I have two fists and I'm serious about that".

  2. The Knitted-Brow with Kissy Lips
    Now, the name of this one is misleading, 'cause Kissy Lips aren't a good thing, and your brow isn't actually "knitted", like with needles or anything. Anyway, the Knitted-Brow is good for showing that you're "concerned" about something. It shows that you're so concerned, that you think your eyebrows need to be close together to give each other emotional support over such a concerning matter. Kissy Lips say, "I'm so concerned over this matter that I just may have to kiss you and give you boy-germs", not that I have boy-germs, but the people I'm talking to may not know that.

  3. The Right-Side Glance
    Glancing to the right is just a good way of saying, "Hey, I'm conservative and proud of it" and also, "If you're a leftie, then I'm not even looking at you. I'm looking at everyone on the right, but not you, you stupid leftie!"

  4. The Left-Side Glance
    This one's sort of like the Right-Side Glance, only not, 'cause here I'm saying, "Hey lefities, yeah, I'm giving you a nasty look and gritting my teeth at you, because you smell".

  5. The Laughing With God
    Sometimes when you're giving a speech, you have to laugh 'cause either you made a really good joke, or 'cause you're making fun of someone, like members of the Labor Party or Minority groups, or whatever, and the joke is so funny that you want God to know you've made it, so you laugh up to God and then you can imagine him laughing back and going, "Haha! If there's a bad Simon Crean joke, I haven't heard it!" Of course, the only problem with this one is that even though you can make a pretty good joke about Simon Crean, the best ever Simon Crean joke is Simon Crean, and God made that one.

  6. The Open Hand
    What's great about this one, is that it makes people very afraid. Because they say, "Ooh, his hand's open... is he going to make the fist? Or is he going to slap someone? Or take something?" So they get all excited, because they're afraid of what's going to happen next. Once the hand has been opened, people will pee their pants at the dangerous possibilities of what you might do with it.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Dear Prime Minister,

What is the go with John Anderson? He is such a nong, can't you get rid of him and replace him someone else?

Actually the National Party is lacking in political talent, so why don't you create a 'mini-John' in the spirit of Austin Powers' 'mini-me' for your new deputy. That would be super cool.


Mrs K.

Dear Mrs K,

That would be super-cool, but cloning's wrong, and stuff. And if I had a clone, Simon Crean would probably copy me and make a clone of himself, and that would suck heaps, 'cause one Simon Crean is more than enough.

The thing about the National Party is that they're losers. But they're losers who keep us in Government. It's not like we actually let them have a say, or anything, but hanging around with us makes them feel cool. And I'm a pretty nice guy, so if they wanna feel cool, well, why not?

Plus, us conservatives have to stick together, so we can moon lefties together, and stuff.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear John,

Do you think it could be hypocrisy when countries like the USA and UK are always whining about Nth Korea, India, Pakistan and Iraq having Weapons of Mass Destruction while they maintain the biggest stockpiles in the world of every type of these weapons ever made?

And also, given that the US obviously has more than enough and you and George are such great mates, why doesn't he lay some fission on us so we can deal with all our 'Regional Issues', like the way none of our neighbours want us in ASEAN and stuff?

Also, if you hate Muslims, and Paul Keating hated Dr Mahathir from Malaysia who is a Muslim, does this mean you and Paul Keating really agreed on stuff after all?

Yours Adoringly,

Norf Grnnerk

Dear Grnnerk,

They're allowed to have weapons 'cause they're Westerners. Der.

It's a bad idea for Australia to have nuclear weapons, though, 'cause the Greenies will get really annoying. Or like, more annoying than they are now. But 'cause I'm such good mates with George Bush, we can just pretend that his weapons are ours. Foreigners are stupid, and they'll believe stuff like that.

Speaking of stupid people, that stuff about Paul Keating doesn't count, 'cause everyone hates Dr Mahathir. Keating is still a der-brain, and I'm not.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at
Dear PM,

I have always believed in assimilation of people from other countries into our own country.
I symbolise this by mixing rice bubbles and cocopops in my breakfast bowl, and the cocopops get lighter as the rice bubbles get browner. It's a small gesture, but an important one, I think. The milk goes brown, too (this represents miscegenation, or mixing of the races), and they all end up one happy bowl of cereal which has elements of the cocopops and the rice bubbles.
My wife thinks this is stupid and pointless, and says if I really believed in the concept I should pour chocolate milk on the cereal as well as plain milk.

What do you think?

Mr Crispy

Dear Mr Crispy,

I reckon you've answered your own question there. See, you pour in the white milk, but it turns brown! The brown takes over! The Coco Pops either take all the jobs from the Rice Bubbles, or they just float around all day sponging off the economy. And then what happens? All the other cereals presume that it's open season in Mr Crispy's breakfast cereal and before you know it, the whole bowl's been taken over by Corn Pops, Sustain, Nutri-Grain, Sultana Bran, Fruit Loops, Crispix, All-Bran and God knows what else.

You've got to take a stand now, Mr Crispy. Rice Bubbles, White Milk and White toast. Multiculturalism has no place in a balanced breakfast.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at