Sunday, March 23, 2003

Honourable Prime Minister Sir,

I am an avid cricket fan, as I know you are (it's because of you that I started following the game infact), but with this awesome cool war on I was wondering where your commitments lie. Will you infact watch the cricket final tonight or will you stand by the phone waiting for georgy porgey to ring through word from the war? Or will you impress us all and multitask - watch the cricket WHILE waiting for the phone?

Tell me, I bequeath you,



Normally, I'd tape that War and watch the cricket, but tonight I don't know what to do, 'cause the Academy Awards are on, too! I mean, I could tape the Academy Awards and watch the cricket, but then what if something happened in the War, and then I had to do a press conference and I didn't know what it was about?! Or If I watched the War and taped the cricket, but then what about the glitz!? The glamor!? Sigh. I suppose I could miss the cricket, but then.... no, I can't do that.

See, the problem is that Australians are so cool, that we're everywhere. So do I watch our troops kill terrorists in Iraq, Nicole Kidman win an Oscar, or our cricketers play cricket?

It's so hard being a PM sometimes. Maybe an electronics company will, uh, "lend" me another VCR for the night...

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Dear John,

When I visited Canberra, I went to parliament house to visit you, but you weren't in the house that day. I drove past the Lodge, but it looked like just a bush shack and you weren't in the lodge anway. I walked to the tent embassy but you weren't in the tent, and they said you never had been either.

Don't you think it is time we had a national housing strategy and built a real stately home for our Prime Minister in the National capital?



Well, yeah and nah. The lodge is ok, but I can think of heaps of ways they could make it better: A waterslide, a jumping castle, or like, make the whole house out of chocolate and lollies and stuff. But the problem is, if they made it any better, then they'd probably expect me to live there all the time, and that'd suck, 'cause like, have you ever been to Canberra? Its really boring. Well, it's fun when Parliaments on, 'cause then all my mates are there and we can get together and play cricket, but then they all go home, and Canberra sucks again.

So it's kind of good that the lodge is a little bit crap, 'cause so is Canberra.

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Dear PM,

My punk teenager took the day off school yesterday, without me knowing, to go in an anti-war protest. What do you think would be a suitable punishment?

Your Subject,


Dear L,

You know, people are always going on and on about how drinking and drugs are the main problems with kids today, but I think it's time that they faced the latest dangerous fad: Anti-War Protests. They wag school, block up the streets, scare the elderly, make too much noise, and waste all their money on placards and stupid commie-trash "newspapers". And they always look so angry and stuff, so I don't even reckon they actually enjoy the protests, they just go 'cause of peer-preassure.

Well, no more. It's time to get these kids off the streets and back into Young Libs meetings where they belong.

First off, force your son to join the cadets and, when he's old enough, the army. Set a good example for him in public by harrasing anyone who looks foreign and encourage him to do the same. But most importantly, ban him from watching and listening to left-wing crap like the ABC (and that includes Classic FM, it's all there so the left can brainwash Australians), especially that rubbish on Triple J, because that's where our kids get these stupid ideas of "rights" and "peace".

I know it's hard, but it's for your kid's own good. If continue to turn a blind eye to this Anti-War Protesting, before you know it, he'll be working for the Trade Unions, or even worse, the ABC.

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Sunday, March 16, 2003


Why do my scones always come out too dry? Am I overcooking them, or is it because I'm using "HiLo" milk?
And what's the best way to get a red cordial stain out of corduroy?



Dear Regina,

I don't know how to make scones. Obviously Janette does, 'cause she's a chick and that's what chicks do. Except sometimes when they try to get into Parliament and wear Doc Martins and think they're sooo cool until their party is all, "Nu-uh, you suck" and boots their arse out. So you'd probably be better at working out scones than me, but next time your kids have gone to school, and your husband is at work earning a wage to provide for your family, if you can find a bit of time in between dusting and darning socks and stuff, try experimenting with different types of milk, or something.

I don't know much about red cordial, either, 'cause Janette won't let me drink it. She reckons it makes me too jumpy so I can't concentrate in Parliament, which is dumb, 'cause like I'm concentrating in Parliament, anyway.

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