Saturday, July 26, 2003

Dear John,

Why do we in Australia have only six States, while the United States of America get to have 50?

If we had a free trade agreement, would we be able to give them some of ours States (maybe more of South Australia) and they could share a couple of theirs with us?

Just curious,



The reason we only have six states is 'cause there's that star on our flag that has seven points - six for each state and one for the territories ('cause they're greedy and we give them more money, so they have to share a point). So if we add more states, we have to add more points. And imagine is we had fifty states? A star with fifty points would just look silly.

But you're right, maybe we could swap a state with the US. Then we wouldn't have to change the flag at all. Like Tasmania is wet and boring, so we could probably swap that for Louisiana. Obviously we could swap Queensland with Nevada, 'cause they're both just a whole lot of nothing with a bunch of tourist attractions and lights plonked in the middle. I don't really care what we'd get for Western Australia, 'cause it's so far away, I never go there, anyway. I bet Victoria wishes they're worth New York, but I reckon they'd be lucky to pull off Illinois or Washington. I'd take whatever I could get for South Australia, probably Maine or something. There's no way I'd swap New South Wales, but I reckon we could swing California.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Dear John,

You've been PM for a long time now, and done such a wonderful job, don't you think it's time you changed your title from 'Prime Minister', to 'Optimus Prime Minister'?



What a wicked idea! Imagine the theme song I could have:

John Howard,
PM in disguise
Liberals wage their battle to
Destroy the evil forces of the ALP

I actually asked if I could get a car that transformed into a robot. They said I couldn't. How much does that suck? I'm the bloody Prime Minister, and I can't even get a transforming car. Whatever. If I was Optimus Prime, then Simon Crean would probably want to be Megatron, and then he'd spoil all the fun.

It's a hard job sometimes.

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Dear John,

I know that you are a fan of St George, and that all football players are heterosexual, but is it wrong for gay men to ogle them when they strut around in the clothes they wear. Just as girls that wear short skirts deserve to be raped, don't you think the same goes for Trent Barrett and friends in those see-through shorts?

If they didn¹t want me to have sexual desires about their bums then why would they wrap them in flimsy nylon, put sponsers logos on them to make me look at where the gap between the thigh and glutes meet, pull at each others shorts so that I can see the speedos they wear underneath, and put their heads between each others bums when they pack down for a scrum?

When a footy player scores a try, his mates usually pat him on the bum as a sign of congratulation. Don't you think Peter Costello deserves a pat on the bum after some of his question time performances? There's nothing funny about it, its what Aussie men do, its called mateship.

Fellow Footy Fan

Footy Fan,

No, this kind of homosexual activity is very bad. Homosexuals are evil people who try to destroy children's lives by raising them in families with same-sex parents. Homosexuals are un-Australian.

Sports People, however, are very Australian. Well, except for Cathy Freeman, who's an Aboriginie. If you start leering at a Sports Person's groin, the next minute you may be their "life partner", and you too may be destroying the life of a child by raising it in such an un-Australian environment.

As I'm sure you know, Sports People are better people than regular Australians. Being good at sport is what seperates us from the Poms and makes us more like Americans. 'Cause of this, Sports People are allowed to take drugs and get arrested and have affairs, and stuff like that. All that's ok, 'cause it isn't really un-Australian, just stuff that only priveledged people, like Sports People and Politicians, can get away with. However, destroying the lives of innocent children is not cool. Please don't corrupt Sports People with your evil, un-Australian ways.

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Dear John,

I have been very impressed with your plan to create a 'fairer Medicare system' by making more people pay to go to the doctor - except those poor people in remote areas who should be treated like charity cases.

Now the budget shows you are going to create a 'fairer education system' by making more people pay to go to university - except for those poor people at remote universities who should be treated like charity cases.

What other things in Australia do you think you could make 'fairer'?



Now that's a really good question. There are far too many people getting it far too easy in this country. People need to understand how the economy works: Australia needs to have rich people so they can run TV Stations, and build casinos and shopping centres, and vote for the Liberal Party - after all, the Liberal Party's economic policies are based around getting more money for rich people, so we'd be pretty buggered if they didn't exist. But to have rich people, we also need poor people. It's poor people's job to keep giving over money to rich people so that they can stay rich, and the poor people can stay poor. I really don't know why this isn't taught in schools, it makes perfect sense.

So, bearing that in mind, there's one thing that I'd really like to see change in Australia: Seriors' Cards should mean that old people pay more for things, not less. Old people are really good at being poor. Not only don't they contribute to the economy, they also have a weird smell. Everyone knows that poor people smell, 'cause they can't afford water and soap. Old people have it far too good, none of them work, and they get seats reserved for them on public transport. I reckon it's high time that they started spending more on the rich, and less on bingo.

Come on old people, stop being so lazy and un-Australian with your naps and feeding pidgeons and riding around in your wheelchairs. It's time to start giving back to this country by forking out more money to rich people. It's called "Mateship".

And like the song says: Advance Australia Fair.

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Dear John,

I really need to know if there's any truth to the rumour that Mr Sheen and you are the same person.




You know, a few years ago I'd been asked this a few times, but I didn't know who Mr Sheen was. So I went and asked Janette, and she reckoned it was some bloke on a cleaning product. No wonder I hadn't heard of him, 'cause obviously only a woman would know something like that. Anyway, this is him:

Honestly, I reckon he looks more like Daryl Williams.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at