Thursday, December 25, 2003

Dear Mr Man of Steel, sir,

I hope you'll forgive me for being so familiar using the nickname given to you by your best friend.

I have a serious question that has been worrying me and probably maybe you too.

First we lost the World Cup to England, then we lost the unloseable test match to the Indians.

Before we get beaten again, do you think that these countries and lots of other countries that might beat us should be chucked out of the Commonwealth like that Mugabe bloke that you really got stuck into?

If they won't leave will you friend Mr. Dubbya send in his soldiers and capture their tems and send them to Guantamano Bay.

Thank you and I hope you have a beaut Chrissie, but make sure that fat bloke in the red suit doesn't even get a sniff of Melville Island air. It'd just encourage those Santa smuggler bastards!

Yours sincerely
Brian Baillieu-Featherstonhaugh. Aged 10 3/4
(Vice president of Boys Scouts for the Liberals)


Yeah, you're totally right. If the Commonwealth Games has taught me anything, it's that the Commonwealth is all about us competing against countires that we've already beaten in the Olympics so we look good. When that doesn't happen, I look like a bit of a dill (especially since I spend so much time at every CHOGM teasing the other leaders about how crap they are at sport). I've come up with a list of countries that should get to remain in the Commonwealth 'cause they will never, ever beat us at anything: Cyprus, Dominica, Grenada, Saint Kitts & Nevis, and Seychelles. If that was the Commonwealth, we'd be unbeatable.

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Dear John,

I live in New Zealand, but I wish I was an Australian like you. You are so cool, and your country is definitely cooler than ours. I mean, we have a woman Prime Minister and everything, and she's a bit of a leftie to boot. Plus our abos, who call themselves maoris, have far too much of a say and reckon they should be given everything. And your cricket team is heaps better than ours too. Isn't there something you can do to help, like invade us or something and make us part of Australia? Maybe you could get your friend George to help.



Hmm, Australia is heaps radder than New Zealand, so I'm not sure why we'd really want your country. You're not really selling me on it. In Iraq there was oil at stake... or WMD... or liberating people... ok, I can't remember what we're supposed to be saying was the reason these days, but it was a good one. See the thing about NZ is that any time you guys have or do anything good, we just claim it as ours. Other countries can't tell the difference between us, so they're none the wiser. Like how we took Russell Crowe. Though now it turns out he's crazy and his band sucks, so would you mind taking him back? Also, I've got my eye on that whole "Lord of the Rings" thing. Seems to be working pretty good for you guys, so we may come over and take all the locations over here.

I suppose we could use your country as a place to stick asylum seekers, but it's not really dodgy enough. We prefer remote islands with inadequate facilites that no one cares about. You understand, right?

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at

Due to the popularity of Pop Idol, have you considered running the next Election as 'Poll Idol'? You, Mark, Bob and whoever the Democrats have as their leader that week could sing and dance for the opportunity to run the country for the next 4 years. You'd totally win, the Democrats will probably do a 'Cosimer' and pull out at the last minute coz they have a sore throat or something.




What a wicked idea! I reckon I'd sing "George Bush City Limits", Mark could do "Achy-Breaky Arm", Bob could do "It's Not Easy Being Green". And yeah, who gives what the Democrats do? If Bartlett's still around, he'd probably do something by the Cure because he's a lame goth. Maybe "Friday I'm Inebriated". But he'd probably be kicked out for breaking into Marcia's valium supply.

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Hi John, can I call you John?

I have a problem - I am trying to raise my four year old to be kind, compassionate and humble. Recently I witnessed something alarming at her pre-school. All the other children were trying to suck up to her by bringing in little boxes of Fruit Loops and fun packs of Smarties and she was playing them all off on one another, telling one that she could only be friends with him if it was Wednesday, and then saying to him: "Is it Wednesday? No. So come back on Wednesday." Another girl approached her with a bag of jelly beans and my daughter said, "I told you jelly BABIES".

Do you think it's right that everyone in the class sucks up to just one person?

Best regards,
Nikki Website's mum

Nikki Website's mum,

Janette reckons you shouldn't tell other people how to raise their kids, but I've gotta say: are you trying to ruin your kid's life? Why would you want your kid to be kind, compassionate and humble? So she can end up being a stupid communist leftie Green? Why would you want to do that to not only your kid, but more importantly, to your country? 'Cause we don't need any more of those kids of people here. Even the ALP don't let in kind, compassionate, and humble people. Well, they probably do, but then beat them up.

Fotunately, your kid sounds like a she's got things sussed out pretty good. She's mean, up herself, and manipulative, and that's exactly why she's cool and popular. If you encourage her to keep it up, she could be Prime Minister of this country one day. Well no, probably not, 'cause she's a chick, but she could marry a Prime Minister one day. In the mean time, tell her from me not to stop at jelly babies. If she works hard, she could be looking at sour gummi worms and wizz fizz. That's when you know you've made it.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at