Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Hi John,

As an American, is there anything you can do to help me make sure that Bush, your best friend and My Hero, gets to stay in power? For instance, would the code of Bartertown be useful in the American Electoral system? Please help!


- A Concerned American

Dear Concerned American,

I'm not sure Mel Gibson films are the best place to get advice from. Like, did you see that Man Without a Face one? It was all about how you shouldn't be mean to people who are different from you. As if. Follow that advice, and you can kiss the next election goodbye. He was also in this film called "Hamlet", but it wasn't in English, or something. Though there were swords, and that was cool.

Anyway, what's interesting and cool is that both George and I have elections this year, and I reckon what would give us both an edge is another war. Nothing drives voters over to the right like totally demolishing a country full of foreigners. 'Cause they see all these building blowing up on TV and stuff, and they're like, "Woah, that's totally cool! Whoever did that must be cool, too!" Even if we don't really have a reason to bomb another country, or if we lie and then people call us on it and then we go, "Oh yeah, turns out we lied", people will still think we're total bad-arse dudes for killing foreigners. It's actually kind of like "Hamlet" - We stand there saying all this stuff and no one understands a word of it, but our swords look cool, so everyone's like, "Wicked! You rock!" And then they want to see us using our swords, 'cause they kind of want us to shut up, but also 'cause the voting public think swords are cool.

The only thing is that I'm not going to hold a skull like in that film. That's totally icky.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com
Dear John,

A lot of media attention and publicity in America is given to Indian casinos, and how the Indians are ripping off normal Americans. I was wondering what you thought about this, and whether you think it would be a good idea to maybe offer Aborigines casinos here to keep them off your back?

Best wishes,



No. See, casinos add class and sophistication to Australian cities. Aborigines know nothing about decor and atmosphere. If they were running a casino, they'd probably stick it in a tent and do those dot painting things everywhere. And have you heard their music?! What's the deal with that? It's almost like it's in another language, or something. So they'd take what is a great institution in this country and make it lame. Aborigines just don't know how to make things interesting. Like that big rock up north. Where's the flashing lights? Corporate sponsors? What about incorporating a water feature? It's just this big, dull, brown lump. Lame.

Plus, running a casino would be a job, and Aborigines don't have jobs. It's not in their genes, or something.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com
Dear John,

Sorry to whinge mate (excuse this dangerous, asylum seeker speaking your native tongue), but it's been over two years on this Island hell hole and I'm still going to get shot by the Taliban if I return to Afghanistan. Not much of a solution in my opinion. Any chance of getting off Nauru before my kidneys completely cave in, because of the water you serve up here?

Australian mate here said I'm going to get accused of being a terrorist again before the next election, and tried to describe the concept of 'pawn'. Could you enlarge?

- A


God, you terrorists are so ungrateful. You get a whole island to yourselves where you can sew your lips together and throw your kids into the ocean to your heart's content, and now apparently you get internet access too, and you want to leave? Do you realise there are real Little Aussie Battlers™ in this country who have to live in the country and run farms and stuff, sometimes only getting one A Current Affair special about them a year? Not only that, sometimes their phone service is so bad that they can't even ring up talkback radio to complain!

And you have the nerve to complain about living on an island paradise where you don't have to work or pay for anything? Some people would give their left arm to have things as sweet as you lot.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com
Dear Mister Minister,

You're the bees knees, Mister Minister. If I weren't American, I would want to be Australian so I could vote for you. I wish Australia would leave the Commonwealth and join America. We could be the United States of Austrerica. Then I could vote for you and George. Canada could join too but first they have to get rid of those stupid French buggers (useless bunch of gabblers if ever I saw one).

Anyhow, I wanted to know why you have so many political parties in your country. We only have two that ever win anything. It's super-easy that way. I always vote for the Republicans because they're Right. I never vote for the Democrats because they're Dumb (Get it? It's a play on words or something). You have Democrats and the Labor Party and the Liberals and Progressives and the National Party and the Greens (We have Greens too but they're only for pretend. They're really Democrats. And the Democrats are for pretend too because they're really pinko Communists).

Wouldn't it be more democratic to get rid of some of those parties? Especially the communist ones?

Your biggest American fan,

Justin R.


Actually, there's only two real parties in Australia, too, and only one that's cool.

The Greens are just stupid communist hippies who smell and are lame. They're led by a smelly, lame communist hippy called Bob Brown. Bob is from Tasmania, which probably doesn't mean much to you, but if you were an Aussie, you'd know that it means there's something wrong with him. When we play cricket at lunch time at Parliament, the Greens go off and smoke dope behind the bike sheds. Well, that's what a bit of graffiti in the toilets says, so it must be true. Fortunately, there's only three of them in Parliament, and only one of those is in the same room as me, which is, uh... that one with the green chairs.

The Democrats are also stupid and they all hate each other. Which I guess is understandable, 'cause I hate them all, too. They used to be led by a chick (like I said, they're stupid), and everyone thought she was so cool 'cause she wore Doc Martins and went on this lame show called the Panel which is on past my bedtime, and all that stuff. But then the Democrats realised that Doc Martins were totally early 90s, and told her to piss off. So they got this lame goth called Andrew Barlett, but then he went crazy and nicked our wine. He's still the leader, I think, but 'cause everyone hates him, he isn't round much. I guess he just sits in his bedroom writing angsty poetry and listening to the Sisters of Mercy, or whatever goths do.

We pretend the National Party are a real party, but really we just tell them that 'cause they help us win elections. See, 'cause some voters are stupid, we don't always get enough seats in Parliament to become the government like we're supposed to be. So we tell the National Party that we reckon they're rad, and that if they hook up with us in a coalition, they'll get to be one of the cool kids and they'll get a say in what we do and stuff. Of course, we're lying, 'cause people from the country are never cool, but they always fall for it. Come to think of it, that's kind of like what George Bush said to me about joining the Coalition of the Willing?, except it's different, 'cause he really does think I'm cool.

So really, that just leaves you with the Libs and the ALP. And seeing as there's a bit of graffiti in the toilets that says the ALP are spaz-wads (and I know it's true, 'cause I wrote it), then it just leaves the Liberal Party as the only cool party in Australian politics.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com