Hello!

Our names are Alexis and Sarah. We are 5th Grade girls and we have a few questions for you:

1. Why do bad things happen when you're in charge?
   
2. Are you a good wizard or a bad wizard?
   
3. Are you / will you ever be ruler of the world?
   
4. What is your favourite song?
   
5. Which do you prefer: Telletubbies or Sesame Street?
   
6. What is your ALL-TIME favourite game to play at lunchtime?
   
7. Do you like popcorn?
   
8. Can I be your secretary? Please? (Mummy said I could be PM one day!)

Bye bye! We love you Little Johnny Howard!

Love Alexis and Sarah

Alexis and Sarah,

Always rad to hear from some of my younger fans. Have you girls heard of the Young Libs? All you'd need is a twin-set and pearls to join, and it's heaps of fun. All the coolest kids are in the Young Libs.

Anyway, to answer your questions:

1. Yeah, some bad things have happened while I've been PM, but the important thing was that I didn't know about any of them. Seriously, people never tell me, so it's never my fault.
   
   
2. You're both probably too young to remember, but there was this awesome film in the late 80s called "The Wizard" and it had Fred Savage in it and his little brother is fully sick at Nintendo and so he was the Wizard and they were chased by baddies but the baddies lost in the end. I am fully sick at Nintendo and I'm a good guy, so I am a good wizard. I love the power glove... it's so bad.
   
   
3. No, I will never be the ruler of the world 'cause George Bush is already the ruler of the world. I'm happy just being the ruler of Australia and being best friends 4eva with the ruler of the world.
   
   
4. "God Save the Queen". Catchy and relevant.
   
   
5. Sesame Street, 'cause one of the Teletubbies is a gay homosexual and that is wrong because he may want to get married and that would be bad. Sesame Street is great, though it'd be better without all the foreigners.
   
   
6. My all-time favourite game to play at lunch time is definitely kanga cricket. Hitting that big flag-pole on Parliament House is six and out.
   
   
7. Yes. Yes I do.
   
   
8. Well, I guess a secretary is an acceptable career for a chick, but really, you should both be focusing more on finding a good husband and settling down to have kids and run a household. That brings me back to what I was saying before about the Young Libs - it's a great place to meet heaps of really nice, well-dressed young men with traditional family values.

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at johnhowardblog@gmail.com

Dear "Honest" John,

Who'd you rather? Kylie or Danii?

Yours,

Alan G

Alan,

You know, everyone loooves Kylie so much, and sure, I've done the Locomotion at heaps of Liberal Party functions, and I cried during Scott and Charlene's wedding, but Dannii was the original Minogue, and she'll always have a special place in my heart. The way she'd light up the YTT stage with Vince Del Tito and a sequine-studded leotard... totally rad.

Also, I've never really forgiven Kylie for that duet with Nick Cave. He's lame. He goes for that "living dead" look, but he's got nothing on Phil Ruddock. Nothing.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at johnhowardblog@gmail.com

Dear Johnny aka "Twinkle Toes" Howard,
 
In order to win your next election campaign what exciting and outrageous lies can we look forward to?
 
I'm sure your memory holes remember something about a GST promise. Which was fantastic, I know it got my vote. What really got me hooked, however, was the cunning and brilliant plan of actually installing the GST anyway. I mean sure, why not... it makes sense...
 
I would be uber delighted if you could spin more proverbial than Oprah's toilet bowl and promise us free education. Think about how cool it'll be when the hippies line up to get their handouts and your secret service bondage masters are standing there with tazers ready to take 'em down... everyone loves a crying naked hippie, right?
 
Anyway, back on track, what colour undies do you wear on election day? How about Janette?
 
All my love,
 
Phil the Kiwi O'Keefe
 
 
Phil,
 
Ha! Free education! That's a good one. I'll remember that one for the next cabinet meeting, it should give everyone a good laugh. Last week, Alex Downer told a classic about something called "human rights". I swear, we were all rolling around on the floor with laughter. Absolute pisser.
 
At the moment, I reckon I'm mainly gonna focus my lying on Mark Latham. Mark eats babies, Mark posed nude for Playboy, Mark really killed Harold Holt, Mark smells... that sort of thing. I'm not even sure I'd really be lying, either, 'cause all that stuff sounds like it could be true. Mark is a total nasty pastie.
 
And for the record, I normally wear my good luck Ninja Turtles undies on election day, and I sing this song to get the other MPs pumped up:
 
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Let's keep up morale
Liberal power!
 
We're the world's most traditionalist political team (We're really hip!)
We're heroes in shirts and ties and we hate the Greens (Bob Brown's a total drip!)
When the evil Latham attacks
Us Liberal boys don't cut him no slack!
 
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
 
Menzies taught us how to love the Queen (She's an awesome old bat!)
John Howard leads, stealing policies from Pauline (But doesn't cop the flack!)
Downer isn't a tool but he's rude (The things that batter!)
Costello is a party dude (Liberal Party!)
 
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Middle-aged Conservative Bourgeois Liberals
Let's keep up morale
Liberal power!
 

Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John

Have you ever supected that David and Alan were more than just "friends"?

Brian


Brian,

Yeah, I wondered that, too. So I asked someone, and apparently they're both involved in broadcasting, too!

Another mystery solved.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Johnny,

Does Janette let you watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"? If the Fab Five were lucky enough to visit you, what tips do think you would share?


Yours,

A Closet Metrosexual


Dear Closet Metrosexual,

Queer Eye is SUCH a great show. I don't know why they call them "queer", though. I don't reckon they're odd at all. They wouldn't have to give me any advice, though, 'cause I'm already totally hip and stuff. I guess I must be queer, too.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Hi John,

As an American, is there anything you can do to help me make sure that Bush, your best friend and My Hero, gets to stay in power? For instance, would the code of Bartertown be useful in the American Electoral system? Please help!

Thanks,

- A Concerned American


Dear Concerned American,

I'm not sure Mel Gibson films are the best place to get advice from. Like, did you see that Man Without a Face one? It was all about how you shouldn't be mean to people who are different from you. As if. Follow that advice, and you can kiss the next election goodbye. He was also in this film called "Hamlet", but it wasn't in English, or something. Though there were swords, and that was cool.

Anyway, what's interesting and cool is that both George and I have elections this year, and I reckon what would give us both an edge is another war. Nothing drives voters over to the right like totally demolishing a country full of foreigners. 'Cause they see all these building blowing up on TV and stuff, and they're like, "Woah, that's totally cool! Whoever did that must be cool, too!" Even if we don't really have a reason to bomb another country, or if we lie and then people call us on it and then we go, "Oh yeah, turns out we lied", people will still think we're total bad-arse dudes for killing foreigners. It's actually kind of like "Hamlet" - We stand there saying all this stuff and no one understands a word of it, but our swords look cool, so everyone's like, "Wicked! You rock!" And then they want to see us using our swords, 'cause they kind of want us to shut up, but also 'cause the voting public think swords are cool.

The only thing is that I'm not going to hold a skull like in that film. That's totally icky.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John,

A lot of media attention and publicity in America is given to Indian casinos, and how the Indians are ripping off normal Americans. I was wondering what you thought about this, and whether you think it would be a good idea to maybe offer Aborigines casinos here to keep them off your back?

Best wishes,

Prenton


Prenton,

No. See, casinos add class and sophistication to Australian cities. Aborigines know nothing about decor and atmosphere. If they were running a casino, they'd probably stick it in a tent and do those dot painting things everywhere. And have you heard their music?! What's the deal with that? It's almost like it's in another language, or something. So they'd take what is a great institution in this country and make it lame. Aborigines just don't know how to make things interesting. Like that big rock up north. Where's the flashing lights? Corporate sponsors? What about incorporating a water feature? It's just this big, dull, brown lump. Lame.

Plus, running a casino would be a job, and Aborigines don't have jobs. It's not in their genes, or something.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John,

Sorry to whinge mate (excuse this dangerous, asylum seeker speaking your native tongue), but it's been over two years on this Island hell hole and I'm still going to get shot by the Taliban if I return to Afghanistan. Not much of a solution in my opinion. Any chance of getting off Nauru before my kidneys completely cave in, because of the water you serve up here?

Australian mate here said I'm going to get accused of being a terrorist again before the next election, and tried to describe the concept of 'pawn'. Could you enlarge?

- A


A,

God, you terrorists are so ungrateful. You get a whole island to yourselves where you can sew your lips together and throw your kids into the ocean to your heart's content, and now apparently you get internet access too, and you want to leave? Do you realise there are real Little Aussie Battlers™ in this country who have to live in the country and run farms and stuff, sometimes only getting one A Current Affair special about them a year? Not only that, sometimes their phone service is so bad that they can't even ring up talkback radio to complain!

And you have the nerve to complain about living on an island paradise where you don't have to work or pay for anything? Some people would give their left arm to have things as sweet as you lot.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Mister Minister,

You're the bees knees, Mister Minister. If I weren't American, I would want to be Australian so I could vote for you. I wish Australia would leave the Commonwealth and join America. We could be the United States of Austrerica. Then I could vote for you and George. Canada could join too but first they have to get rid of those stupid French buggers (useless bunch of gabblers if ever I saw one).

Anyhow, I wanted to know why you have so many political parties in your country. We only have two that ever win anything. It's super-easy that way. I always vote for the Republicans because they're Right. I never vote for the Democrats because they're Dumb (Get it? It's a play on words or something). You have Democrats and the Labor Party and the Liberals and Progressives and the National Party and the Greens (We have Greens too but they're only for pretend. They're really Democrats. And the Democrats are for pretend too because they're really pinko Communists).

Wouldn't it be more democratic to get rid of some of those parties? Especially the communist ones?

Your biggest American fan,

Justin R.


Justin,

Actually, there's only two real parties in Australia, too, and only one that's cool.

The Greens are just stupid communist hippies who smell and are lame. They're led by a smelly, lame communist hippy called Bob Brown. Bob is from Tasmania, which probably doesn't mean much to you, but if you were an Aussie, you'd know that it means there's something wrong with him. When we play cricket at lunch time at Parliament, the Greens go off and smoke dope behind the bike sheds. Well, that's what a bit of graffiti in the toilets says, so it must be true. Fortunately, there's only three of them in Parliament, and only one of those is in the same room as me, which is, uh... that one with the green chairs.

The Democrats are also stupid and they all hate each other. Which I guess is understandable, 'cause I hate them all, too. They used to be led by a chick (like I said, they're stupid), and everyone thought she was so cool 'cause she wore Doc Martins and went on this lame show called the Panel which is on past my bedtime, and all that stuff. But then the Democrats realised that Doc Martins were totally early 90s, and told her to piss off. So they got this lame goth called Andrew Barlett, but then he went crazy and nicked our wine. He's still the leader, I think, but 'cause everyone hates him, he isn't round much. I guess he just sits in his bedroom writing angsty poetry and listening to the Sisters of Mercy, or whatever goths do.

We pretend the National Party are a real party, but really we just tell them that 'cause they help us win elections. See, 'cause some voters are stupid, we don't always get enough seats in Parliament to become the government like we're supposed to be. So we tell the National Party that we reckon they're rad, and that if they hook up with us in a coalition, they'll get to be one of the cool kids and they'll get a say in what we do and stuff. Of course, we're lying, 'cause people from the country are never cool, but they always fall for it. Come to think of it, that's kind of like what George Bush said to me about joining the Coalition of the Willing?, except it's different, 'cause he really does think I'm cool.

So really, that just leaves you with the Libs and the ALP. And seeing as there's a bit of graffiti in the toilets that says the ALP are spaz-wads (and I know it's true, 'cause I wrote it), then it just leaves the Liberal Party as the only cool party in Australian politics.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Mr Man of Steel, sir,

I hope you'll forgive me for being so familiar using the nickname given to you by your best friend.

I have a serious question that has been worrying me and probably maybe you too.

First we lost the World Cup to England, then we lost the unloseable test match to the Indians.

Before we get beaten again, do you think that these countries and lots of other countries that might beat us should be chucked out of the Commonwealth like that Mugabe bloke that you really got stuck into?

If they won't leave will you friend Mr. Dubbya send in his soldiers and capture their tems and send them to Guantamano Bay.

Thank you and I hope you have a beaut Chrissie, but make sure that fat bloke in the red suit doesn't even get a sniff of Melville Island air. It'd just encourage those Santa smuggler bastards!

Yours sincerely
Brian Baillieu-Featherstonhaugh. Aged 10 3/4
(Vice president of Boys Scouts for the Liberals)


Brian,

Yeah, you're totally right. If the Commonwealth Games has taught me anything, it's that the Commonwealth is all about us competing against countires that we've already beaten in the Olympics so we look good. When that doesn't happen, I look like a bit of a dill (especially since I spend so much time at every CHOGM teasing the other leaders about how crap they are at sport). I've come up with a list of countries that should get to remain in the Commonwealth 'cause they will never, ever beat us at anything: Cyprus, Dominica, Grenada, Saint Kitts & Nevis, and Seychelles. If that was the Commonwealth, we'd be unbeatable.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John,

I live in New Zealand, but I wish I was an Australian like you. You are so cool, and your country is definitely cooler than ours. I mean, we have a woman Prime Minister and everything, and she's a bit of a leftie to boot. Plus our abos, who call themselves maoris, have far too much of a say and reckon they should be given everything. And your cricket team is heaps better than ours too. Isn't there something you can do to help, like invade us or something and make us part of Australia? Maybe you could get your friend George to help.

Rory


Rory,

Hmm, Australia is heaps radder than New Zealand, so I'm not sure why we'd really want your country. You're not really selling me on it. In Iraq there was oil at stake... or WMD... or liberating people... ok, I can't remember what we're supposed to be saying was the reason these days, but it was a good one. See the thing about NZ is that any time you guys have or do anything good, we just claim it as ours. Other countries can't tell the difference between us, so they're none the wiser. Like how we took Russell Crowe. Though now it turns out he's crazy and his band sucks, so would you mind taking him back? Also, I've got my eye on that whole "Lord of the Rings" thing. Seems to be working pretty good for you guys, so we may come over and take all the locations over here.

I suppose we could use your country as a place to stick asylum seekers, but it's not really dodgy enough. We prefer remote islands with inadequate facilites that no one cares about. You understand, right?


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

John,

Due to the popularity of Pop Idol, have you considered running the next Election as 'Poll Idol'? You, Mark, Bob and whoever the Democrats have as their leader that week could sing and dance for the opportunity to run the country for the next 4 years. You'd totally win, the Democrats will probably do a 'Cosimer' and pull out at the last minute coz they have a sore throat or something.

Yours,

Satanop


Satanop,

What a wicked idea! I reckon I'd sing "George Bush City Limits", Mark could do "Achy-Breaky Arm", Bob could do "It's Not Easy Being Green". And yeah, who gives what the Democrats do? If Bartlett's still around, he'd probably do something by the Cure because he's a lame goth. Maybe "Friday I'm Inebriated". But he'd probably be kicked out for breaking into Marcia's valium supply.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Hi John, can I call you John?

I have a problem - I am trying to raise my four year old to be kind, compassionate and humble. Recently I witnessed something alarming at her pre-school. All the other children were trying to suck up to her by bringing in little boxes of Fruit Loops and fun packs of Smarties and she was playing them all off on one another, telling one that she could only be friends with him if it was Wednesday, and then saying to him: "Is it Wednesday? No. So come back on Wednesday." Another girl approached her with a bag of jelly beans and my daughter said, "I told you jelly BABIES".

Do you think it's right that everyone in the class sucks up to just one person?

Best regards,
Nikki Website's mum


Nikki Website's mum,

Janette reckons you shouldn't tell other people how to raise their kids, but I've gotta say: are you trying to ruin your kid's life? Why would you want your kid to be kind, compassionate and humble? So she can end up being a stupid communist leftie Green? Why would you want to do that to not only your kid, but more importantly, to your country? 'Cause we don't need any more of those kids of people here. Even the ALP don't let in kind, compassionate, and humble people. Well, they probably do, but then beat them up.

Fotunately, your kid sounds like a she's got things sussed out pretty good. She's mean, up herself, and manipulative, and that's exactly why she's cool and popular. If you encourage her to keep it up, she could be Prime Minister of this country one day. Well no, probably not, 'cause she's a chick, but she could marry a Prime Minister one day. In the mean time, tell her from me not to stop at jelly babies. If she works hard, she could be looking at sour gummi worms and wizz fizz. That's when you know you've made it.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Johnny,

I was wondering what you will be dressing up as for Halloween tomorrow?

Christop


Christop,

You know, in the past, every year I used to go as Robert Menzies. It wasn't a hard costume -- just a wig and a pillow up my shirt and I was set. But this year, I decided to dress up as someone different. Someone as cool as Robert Menzies... if not cooler! Yeah, that's right, this year I'm dressing up as George Bush! It's gonna be wicked, I've got a grey wig and everything!

Of course, the lame part is that I'm going to be in Canberra for Halloween. Canberra isn't scary at all. But at least it'll give me the chance to throw eggs and toilet paper at Simon Crean. Well, ok, I do that all the time, but this time I also get free lollies!

Plus, the cabinet always has a costume competition, though Phillip Ruddock always wins. No one's ever quite sure what he's supposed to be, but man he looks scary. Eric Abetz has a new costume, too. Normally he comes as Hitler, but this year he's gonna come as Bob Brown. And I think it's time that Amanda Vanstone stopped coming as Kim Beazley, though the similarity is uncanny...


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

John,

The reason I’m writing is to ask a question about George. As you know, America’s presidential elections are held next year. If George doesn’t get elected for a second term, will you offer him a chance to work in the government here? You could have him go everywhere with you, and give him a job title like “The PM’s Super-Cool Advisor and Best Friend”.

What do you think?

Greg B

Greg,

Well, George is like the most popular man in the world, so as IF he won't get re-elected.

But, if we lived in some bizzare-o world where he didn't get re-elected, I guess I'd have to give him my job. I mean, I'm an awesome PM, but George is even more awesome-er than me. Then we could be just like America! Imagine it: A Starbucks on every corner, American TV shows all day, kids wearing US Baseball caps, rap music... It'd be such a different place!

But it's crazy talk, anyway, 'cause George is going to be President of the World for EVER!


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Johnny,

What do you and Janette reckon about the new Salads Plus menu at McDonalds?

Christop

Cristop,

Personally, I've always been a Happy Meal Man. The toys in those things rule. But you know what sucks about McDonalds? The pickles in their burgers. Once I was going to try to pass legislation to make pickles in burgers illegal, but John Anderson didn't reckon the National Party voters would go for it. Losers.

But anyway, the new Salads Plus menu looks to me like they're trying to suck up to hippies. They even put a hippie on the ad. I reckon that McDonalds is a celebration of all things American, and hippies are always protesting about America, so they'll ruin the place. They should go and eat their lentils and tofu somewhere else. Like Cuba.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

John,

Who made you get rid of that attractive comb-over you had for so many years? The T formed by your hair going straight across and your Menzies style eyebrows shooting straight up reminded me to be ever vigilant of all those Traitors in our midst you've fought so hard against. People like abo's, single mums, lefties and poofters. Commies who think Telstra should be of benefit to the whole community not just your mates in the big end of town. Hysterical anti-Americans who think blasting the crap out of Afghanis and Iraqis is somehow morally wrong.

Keep sticking it up em John, and er, George of course.

Cheers,

Rog


Rog,

Well, you know, I wouldn't have a comb-over if I had a bit more hair. Of course, I'm totally hot, so it doesn't matter, but still, it's more because I have to have it. But like, Sean Connery is bald, and I reckon he's totally hot. In a non-sexual way, of course. And I look heaps like him, too. Check it:



It's uncanny.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear Prime Minister,

Why don't you have a really cool action figure like George W. Bush?



You are the coolest! And i think you deserve one after all the cool things you have done.

Chris


Chris,

Word up. I reckon I totally deserve an action figure, too. It'd have to have lots of cool stuff, though. Like accessories and karate-chop action.

Actually, 'cause this is such a good idea, Chris, I got some those people who work for me to make up an action figure of me so they were actually doing something usefull for once, instead of all that stupid political stuff they normally do. This is what they came up with:



I think they got pretty close, though Janette doesn't usually let me play with axes.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John,

Why do we in Australia have only six States, while the United States of America get to have 50?

If we had a free trade agreement, would we be able to give them some of ours States (maybe more of South Australia) and they could share a couple of theirs with us?

Just curious,

Nigel


Nigel,

The reason we only have six states is 'cause there's that star on our flag that has seven points - six for each state and one for the territories ('cause they're greedy and we give them more money, so they have to share a point). So if we add more states, we have to add more points. And imagine is we had fifty states? A star with fifty points would just look silly.

But you're right, maybe we could swap a state with the US. Then we wouldn't have to change the flag at all. Like Tasmania is wet and boring, so we could probably swap that for Louisiana. Obviously we could swap Queensland with Nevada, 'cause they're both just a whole lot of nothing with a bunch of tourist attractions and lights plonked in the middle. I don't really care what we'd get for Western Australia, 'cause it's so far away, I never go there, anyway. I bet Victoria wishes they're worth New York, but I reckon they'd be lucky to pull off Illinois or Washington. I'd take whatever I could get for South Australia, probably Maine or something. There's no way I'd swap New South Wales, but I reckon we could swing California.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com

Dear John,

You've been PM for a long time now, and done such a wonderful job, don't you think it's time you changed your title from 'Prime Minister', to 'Optimus Prime Minister'?

William


William,

What a wicked idea! Imagine the theme song I could have:

John Howard,
PM in disguise
Liberals wage their battle to
Destroy the evil forces of the ALP

I actually asked if I could get a car that transformed into a robot. They said I couldn't. How much does that suck? I'm the bloody Prime Minister, and I can't even get a transforming car. Whatever. If I was Optimus Prime, then Simon Crean would probably want to be Megatron, and then he'd spoil all the fun.

It's a hard job sometimes.


Got a question? Then share, because I care. Email me, the people's PM, at jhlog@hotmail.com